Possibilities not Probabilities
Release your unique gifts
Let your dreams set sail
Susan Stubbings
Doncaster - South Yorkshire
Therapeutic Counsellor & Counselling Supervision
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Discover new horizons
On-Line appointments available
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Contact email at pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com or telephone, text or WhatsApp message on 07867938630.
Fostering personal & professional growth & development
Counselling is a skilled, principled and ethical collaboration
Sexual activity with a Child is an obscene heinous Crime
Adult survivors of Childhood sexual abuse
If you are reading this as a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse take a deep breath as your eyes scan all the words and please know these are words describing the affects of the trauma you endured; you may find it difficult to see them written down. YES you endured and you have strength, courage and depth YOU ARE a survivor, YOU ARE a warrior and YOU CAN overcome any and all affects left from experiencing such trauma as a Child.
This is a complex mix of any of the emotions, feeling or thoughts seen in the diagram below and you may have felt all of them at some point on your journey following the abuse. THIS IS NORMAL. You are 'NORMAL' you acted in the only way you could for the age you were at the time of being abused.
You did this to survive; Your response to the abuse was perfectly normal to unnormal events when you were at your most vulnerable; please remember at the time you were a Child who did not have the awareness, skills or knowledge to understand, to make sense of what was happening and you did not have the power or control to stop what was happening 'to' you at the time.
Each adult is responsible for self
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Children are not responsible for what adults, think, feel, say or do. The adult is responsible for everything they are and everything they do.
Adults are role models for children and children are like sponges absorbing everything around them,
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The effects of childhood sexual abuse is complex, traumatic, stressful and disorders the child; the abuse from others is the root cause of all fears pain and confusion. Unhealed, children of sexual abuse become an adult with low self-esteem, little confidence in self, grieving for something we never had chance to build, a childhood that we can never recover. Many of us are lost in other peoples expectations of us to be something other than we are as life goes on ... we survived and continue to survive.
Yet life is not just about surviving its about thriving, its also about reaching our fullest potential, being happy, enjoyment, silliness and play; all concepts alien to a child who was abused, because all our efforts are focused on staying alive. Life is also about love, affections, intimacies, pride and a whole host of other things which this type of abuse stunts from that first touch.
Remember here and now you are not your past and we are not what happened to us.
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We have so much to discover, to learn, to grow and nurture.
Your voice matters - YOU matter - Believe!
This diagram lists many but not all the consequences of being sexually abused as a child it does not contain every single effect if you've never been sexually abused it may be difficult to see the affects that are so ingrained in an unhealed adult. Yet there they will be however subtle, playing out or playing inside the victim until which time the victim can take back the power that was shocked out of them. As you read the list put yourself in the shoes of a child experiencing a whole host of the impacts and wonder about that childs life and how the echo's follow them into adulthood!
A Child is not responsible for adult actions, a Child is powerless, a Child does not have the ability to protect him/her Self from a perpetrator who wishes to carry out sexual abuse, You are not responsible for the abuser YOU are not guilty for the abuse YOU did not do anything for the perpetrator to abuse you. He/she chose their own behaviour they are 100% responsible for what happened not you.
Its quiet a challenge to even think about that one fact isn't it when you are the abused person as a Child you are not responsible for what another chose to do to you.
Sexual abuse of a child is nothing to do with 'love' or you being 'special' although the abuser will more than likely have said as much 'in the name of love'. From the perpetrators perspective its about oppression, power, control, taking what does not belong to him/her. A thief who steals the innocence of a childhood. They bond you to them and brainwash you, what can a child know or do?
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Perpetrators or those close to the abuser may blame the child or young person for 'flirting', 'coming on to, by wanting a kiss or a cuddle, wanting affection and care; walking around 'half dressed' or in your nightie or PJs or coming out of the bath naked these are all normal childhood behaviours born from wants and needs. The child is not responsible for the naturality of childhood behaviours that don't mean anything sexual. It is the adults responsibilities towards the child, the abuser who turn natural behaviour on the part of the child into something that it wasn't. The abuser choose to abuse they took their opportunity and hurt and soul murdered the child. The none abusing adults who turned natural behaviours into sexual behaviour has an agender of their own! What might that be?
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Its a crime - Its not right - Its unjust.
As you begin to heal do not confuse acceptance with forgiveness it is not necessary to forgive the abuser just accept them for who they are and that it was nothing to do with you personally what they chose to do. Their behaviour to you was abusive and that's what we need to work with the reality of the 'affects' of how we suffered because another chose to behave abusively, their choice not ours; another's behaviour is not within our power or control; a Child does not have any power or control to stop an adult who wishes to abuse. The adults in a Child's life are supposed to protect the Child not the other way round.
When you accept what happened 'to' you was not your fault in any shape or form ... then we can begin to heal. “There is comfort in knowing that you don’t have to pretend anymore, that you are going to do everything within your power to heal.” ― Ellen Bass, Beginning to Heal
The permission to heal is the gift you give to yourself!
When we are sexually and emotionally abused as a Child we are wounded to the core of our Humanness our Self-esteem and confidence does not have time to develop and we are lead to believe that life is not safe, trust is non-existent and we sense the world is not a safe place. Our Self-esteem, confidence, self-worth. Self-belief, value and worthiness is replaced with fear, terror, shame, guilt, denial, Self-doubt no trust in Self and no trust in others who become our living hell.
We feel confused, disorientated, we lose perspective, our identity if we had time to build one at all and we feel helpless, isolated, different and blamed for what happened. We are silenced into a world of pretence and we are isolated and disconnected from Others and Self; all these are the AFFECTS of what someone else chose to inflict upon us. You may feel shame or ashamed still to this day no matter how many years have passed this to belongs to the perpetrator/s it does not belong to you. It is never to late to heal even 50/60/70 years later it is never to late to heal your living in the here and now.
Please know these are the AFFECTS of the trauma you endured; not one of these affects is who you are as a person; Your identity is not based on the abuse you endured; although it may feel like it is. YOU CAN HEAL. YOU CAN create a life which you choose, not one given by another and/or others but a way of Being you choose. YOU CAN become all that you dream for yourself.
Please know you are not alone unless you choose to be - but why suffer any longer alone?
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Gaining support for yourself is the gift you choose for yourself as an adult in the here and now as you walk the Path Of Perception YOU CAN DO THIS make your journey a little more bearable knowing someone else can share the burden with you, can share responsibility with you for a while. Wouldn't you like to take a rest from the Point Of Pressure and all the affects you have endured?
Know someone can validate, believe and hear your experiences, hold and support the weight of your trauma with you and support you, walk by your side for some of the way; until you are confident in your self to walk forwards on your own towards a better, peaceful and contented living with an enhanced way of being , being the you you've always known you are!
Counselling offers you a safe space where you can build trust in yourself by building with another and I offer a space where you will be listened to, heard and validated without feeling judged, criticised, blamed or shamed. I offer a safe space where you will be facilitated on your journey walking at your pace. Together we can begin to unlock the padlocks on the chains that bind you and empower you to walk your path with confidence, courage and compassion.