When we think of domestic violence the image we see more often associated is one of a husband beating his wife and we often ask the question “why does she stay”?  Why does she not leave”?

​

Domestic violence can be against children, parents, the elderly and pets;  in different forms such as physical, emotional, verbal, financial, religious, reproduction and sexual abuse and violence against an intimate partner or spouse.

​

 Woman can be perpetrators as well as men, and men can be victims as well as woman.

​

What is Domestic Violence?

​

Also known as domestic abuse or family violence is defined by Women’s Aid:

​

“as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men”.

​

However,  men are victims of domestic abuse also!

​

This type of violence known as 'controlling or cohesive behaviour' is now a criminal offence'  (please see this BBC article) which  can carry unto 5 years imprisonment.  This type of abuse can be physical or psychological or both and has far reaching implications for the victim/s, it can be threats, humiliation, intimidation and/or physical attacks.  This type of controlling and coercive behaviours limits the rights of the victim for example if your access to money is restricted, destroying or throwing out  your things, making you do things you don't want to do, shouting you down,  punching walls or making angry gestures or threatening to  harm or kill you to frighten you.  This can and does  escalate very quickly, especially  if this unhealthy behaviour is being used within misuse of alcohol or drugs since misuse lowers a persons inhibitions and they can quickly lose control of their self which in turn affects how they will relate to others.  

 

This type of behaviour is seen in patterns and cycles the person who utilises such behaviour is targeting the victim's equilibrium, self-esteem and self-confidence to keep control, create dependency and co-dependency.  This is a very isolating experience for victim/s and many dynamics are being played out in its complexities, the victim may blame their self after being worn down, however  the "brain can work against victim/s" please see more on this here.  The victim is not blameworthy for staying,  there are many blocks  in place  which stops the victim/s taking control and having the energy and means to leave. 

 

Domestic violence does not discriminate across society anyone can become  a victim of domestic abuse.

 

Being none judgemental and listening to victim's can help the victim clarify their personal position and clarify if, what, how, when of what they want to do about the situation if anything.  It is imperative the victim/s  is empowered to take back control in their own time unless in danger, otherwise they still don't get to chose and it may  seem like swopping one controller for another, however well intention the helper is.

 

The clients empowerment, autonomy and choice is vital for lasting recovery and healing. 

​

However if victim/s or children are in danger from physical and/or violent attacks  in the immediacy of any situation or you yourself are in immediate danger of being attacked  then  call the police on 999

 

 

Abuse can be found in same-sex partners or heterosexual relationships, intimate relationships such as those being cared for by others such as carers and children and family pets may also become involved as the one controlling uses them to emotionally blackmail and control the victim/s. 

​

​

Why does it happen?

​

Domestic violence happens when one person believes they are entitled to abuse another, that it is acceptable, justified or unlikely to be reported by the victims. Children who grow up in families who sees violence against another family member may come to believe this is the norm and this produces intergenerational cycles of abuse and violence.

​

This is a very complex state to find ones self in; because it takes place in families or familiar relationships people may not recognise they are either victim/s of abuse or perpetrator/s of abuse, (intergenerational cycles).  Thoughts which might be consider go a bit like this "its just our family's normal", “it’s just a family conflict got out of hand” or excused as ”a bad temper” "flare up", its just the way our mam, dad, brother or sister is" or even “I deserved it because I have a smart mouth” or said "something the abuser didn’t like", "if I didn't act like that I wouldn't have got a slapping". 

 

This is how victims minimise, excuse and blame their self for the unhealthy behaviours of another, perpetrators will more than likely say the same or similar things to victim/s in order to blame the victim/s and exonerate  their self of the unhealthy behaviours.  However,  it is not 'normal' or healthy behaviour to be used, emotionally blackmailed, physically hit by someone who says they love and care for you, its not the 'norm' and it's not love, tough or otherwise! 

 

 In family’s,  patterns of behaviours build very quickly and they will be  fetched with the abusive partner into the marriage or partnership and may have been there all along. Both the victim/s and the perpetrator can  be supported to change their patterns of behaviours once it is recognised and once safety has returned for all concerned.