Possibilities not Probabilities
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Healing examples 3
What matters now is your voice and your healing.
Get assertive - learn how to be assertive join a course or a class to teach you the skills you need to be assertive or engage with a counsellor who can support you in developing assertiveness skills. Get to know the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive behaviour, this can help in protecting you in the future.
Self-esteem - start right here and now on building up your self-esteem read, about self-esteem gain all the knowledge and information you can from books, the internet and find a role model someone in your life who you feel is strong emotionally observe what, how, when, they seem strong emotionally. Observe what their skills are and how they use them in relation to others. If you do not know anyone in your life who is strong emotionally or confident then choose someone famous and research the characters they play; what makes them famous. Ask yourself if my life was made into a film who would I want to play me? Choose that person to follow for a while, for me I found Julie Walters a very positive role model in the beginning. Being assertive help you to be more 'you' and take charge of what you want to do and what you do, by being assertive you can say how you feel, say yes and no without feeling guilty or choose not to be say when saying nothing is better in the immediacy of a situation.
Please note: the information contained on the healing pages are not a 'prescription', a 'to do list' or 'instructions'. If you feel ill mentally or physically in pain, please visit your GP for a check-up. This information is just that information about perhaps behaviours which might help support healing from unhealthy relationships including the one we have with ourselves. Other people, including myself have used some of them to heal. It is the readers choice to either pick up or leave down, accept or reject, use some of them to see how they might help support healing. You are the expert on what you might or might not need, no one else knows you as well as you do!
Possibilities not probabilities!
The only reality I can possibly know is the world as I perceive it at this moment. The only reality you can possibly know is the world as you see it at this moment. And the only certainty is that those perceived realities are different. There are as many “real worlds” as there are people!
Carl Rogers "A way of Being P20
Learn - everything you can about any and all your symptoms how you are coping after recognising you have are/been in an unhealthy relationship and has affected you greatly; become aware of everything you can about how you feel and think. If you feel anxious learn all there is about anxiety how it process itself throughout your body, you may even be suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder CPTSD, learn all there is to know about it, seek guidance from your GP for a diagnosis if that's what you need and ask what you can do about it. Learn all there is to learn about how your body is responding. If you feel depressed, make an appointment with your GP and learn all there is to learn about depression. If you are struggling seek and ask for help from the most appropriate person who can offer you support with what you are struggling with whilst you work through your healing. You do not need to go it alone any longer there are many people who can support your healing path you just need to ask. join on-line forums or support groups and contact a professional counsellor for support. Learning and knowledge puts you in the driving seat offers you more of an informed choice so you can make decision for what you want. Can support your values, beliefs and attitude's and how you behave towards yourself and others.
Grieving - After the breakup of any relationship you will need to grieve the loss of what might have been! We can expect to grieve for the relationship and all that love we felt you had for him or her. We may have been trauma bonded. We can expect to experience all the stages of grief and experience the emotional upheaval which grief brings, abandonment, anger, despair, sadness, trauma etc etc. Become aware of all our personal feelings and thoughts, not all at once and not alone, gain the support of an experienced grief counsellor and one who is also knowledgeable about healing from unhealthy and/or abusive relationships. Grieving such loss is an important step on the way to becoming all that you want to become, releasing any emotions around and tapping into our inner resources. Our resources are there they have been hidden away behind what the unreasonable behaviour created i.e. confusion and disorientation.
If you've read all these pages and explored the theorists work then you are probably now beginning to become aware of how complex and difficult healing from relationship/s with people utilising inconsistent behaviours and
with such complex needs is! Don't give up though step by step you can become an assertive, confident person who has a strong sense of self and self-esteem, a person who is self-managed and creating a loving and peaceful future for yourself and any children you care for!
When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self-esteem.
Abraham Harold Maslow (1999). “Toward a psychology of being”, Wiley
To love somebody is not just a strong feeling - it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.
Erich Fromm (2013).
"The Art of Loving”, p.61.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.”
Write it out - We all have a book inside us get writing yours. It will be a cathartic experience and will help you gain a new perspective on the reality of your relationship how you are coping where you need to travel next. Writing is a very productive but powerful tool and it is always best to heal with a therapist who is knowledgeable about healing from complex relationships. Write poems which express your emotions get them up, out and known to yourself, this is all about you now.
Counselling - You will need to be validated over and over and over again once you make the decision to heal, you may not be able to validate yourself in the beginning or make sense of the harm a relationship like this has had upon you. Unless our self-esteem is in tack, if we have a busy life or are caring for children, then it is even more important that we enlist help and support from as many sources as we can. Your children may need support if they have observed or been part of any unhealthy behaviours. You can expect your healing journey to take some time even years. The unhealthy relationship is messed up emotionally and so it follows that anyone who has encountered, lived with and loved a complex character for any length of time will also have many issues. It is always productive and kind to our self to enlist the support of a professional counsellor who is knowledgeable about the issues of healing from such a destructive relationship, for a least part of the path of our recovery in the beginning.
You may find yourself having to deal with not only the issues named above but also a mixed pot of emotions and/or
being created into a victim and/or experiencing a victim mentality all affects from living and loving a character with an unhealthy process. You may find you need to work through feelings and emotions one at a time and this is where counselling can be of support.
Its time for compassion towards yourself and the other person/s.
You will almost definitely need support whilst you learn to validate, sooth and find healthy love and self-esteem for yourself and more issues too numerous to write here. This will all take time and best thought of in the long term there will be no quick fixes after experiencing an unhealthy relationship such as described here.
A final note - I wish you all a lot of love and light as you embark upon your healing journey, know you can and will heal and become all that you want to be and all that you are capable of becoming; don't give up on yourself build strength, independence and love.
Be kind and gentle with yourself and others as you heal and remember
YOU CAN DO anything you put your mind to!
To your magnificence mental wealth always