Further healing examples

Write it out in prose

or poetry

(so you're not carrying it

around with you)

The smile that seethes

On the front of your mask

That softly whispers

Behind eyes made of glass

 

The calm within

The storms that rage

No one can suspect what lies

Beneath your tender gaze

 

You're really quite undignified 

A real live valentine, an

emotional vampire, a werewolf  in  sheep' s attire ready to trap

 

All I did was love,

adore you.

Whilst you  connived,

plotted, schemed, to rupture

 to harvest, to murder

 

My Soul

 

Your Aurora collisions

Creating a magnetic squall

Solar winds liberating

Your poisonous quintessence's

 

The typhoon at the heart of you

 Projecting your ancient ruins 

 Unfathomable lust,

your hunger,  your thirst

 

The shock that numbed

As the dawning breaks

Revisiting the grave of

 My Childhood mistakes

 

Here they are all alive in you

Your slipping façade

 Illuminating the

depths, the gap, within  the

Dark lord of this dance

 

The blazing light, awakening

Enlightening my Child

my heart clearly

knowing now, the fog,

the rain, the plunging fear, pitter pattering through the mist

 

In  recognition
 

Where I thought it was me

I now understand

I was led to believe

I was flawed by birth

The power of insight

 

The power of authentic empowering love and 

Me to find, you, 

They, were all just

One of a kind

 

Great big fear inducing

Imposters, great

pretenders, all

Wizards of Oz

 

And you, My Child

You were your own Sun

The Aurora Borealis

All along .....

 

Somewhere over the rainbow.  Living my calm 

Here and now!

 

 

Susan Stubbings May 2016

Mud Mud

Glorious mud

Nothing quiet

Like it for cooling

The blood

So follow me follow

Down to the hollow

And there we shall

Wallow in glorioooooooous mud!

BOX - All those things the person gave you.  Replace the jewelry you wear every day or the favorite earrings you associate them with.  Put in the box anything which reminds you of them don't leave them laying around your home space so your eyes can see them.   The ornaments, the books, the photo albums, all the little trinkets, the pens, the note books, the poetry, the written stories anything and everything put in a box or several boxes.  DO not throw them away! You may regret doing so later if you do.  Your aim is to remove the person from your living space (for now) so you don't have constant triggers which pull your pos-itude and affirmation away.  Yes, even that teddy bear he gave you or the cute cuddly toy you have sat on the side of your bed, put that cushion away he gave you to cuddle since when you are cuddling it you are thinking of him/her.  It won't offer you any comfort, all it does is put your mind into thinking about them.  Put them all away into boxes and put them out of your house into your shed or garage and leave them there.  One day when you have healed you can take a look at the stuff and remember how  and what they  did to cause you all this grief, pain and emotional upset, you will not  want to go there ever again.  BOX it all away! If you need something to comfort you replace them with things which speak to who you are here and now, things which enhance your healing and your journey forward.  New music, new books, new jewelry, a new teddy bear give it a name of something you are wanting to achieve such as happy, smiley or peace something you want to gain for yourself  this will ease your transition from disconnecting from them and  onto you and your future - it awaits. 

 

Once you have healed sufficiently to 'see' these things as 'nice' 'lovely' or useful and they no longer evoke intense emotions then bring them back in and let them be a 'memory ' and a 'witness' to all the love you have inside your self!

 

Gather - all the information you can on what is a healthy relationship and what is not a healthy relationship and compare and contrast your relationship and your experience.   Understand that it really is not your fault and it really is not the  other persons fault they did not  choose to need to behave unhealthy it is perhaps all they know at this time.  Blame never got anyone anywhere and your goal now is to get your well-being back.  Gathering every bit of information, you can helps support your understanding, can help sooth your thoughts and enable you to parallel any negative thoughts you have about your self-worth with the truth!  

Affirmation - Create several affirmations which speak loudly to you, affirmations are free and the easiest tool to use to parallel your negative thoughts.  I love to collage so I made  a notice board which I could  move around my  home full of  affirmations and/or quotes which speak loudly to me.  If you can see them and it is safe to do so  you can recite them over and over to replace your negative words, thoughts and build up your authentic power.  You can add picture too so they trigger positive thoughts and feelings I like pictures of the sea when its calm and blue skies so I can drift off to a peaceful safe place in my mind instead of letting incessant negative thoughts  build up.  Eventually our mind will be full of the positive and we will not need visual cues in order to hear the affirmations in our mind they will become our automatic thoughts with practice!  The day I heard "your a strong independent woman" instead of "I wonder if he'll phone me today" or having a full blown conversation in my head as I awoke was the day I knew my real healing had begun.  But it takes practice so don't give up when it seems they are not working, they are, working away in the background like radio waves chipping away at your subconscious strengthening your minds muscles way before you get to the point of hearing them clearly in your conscious mind!  SO keep practicing them and let them do their work for you.  
 

Be gentle with yourself -   It is difficult and fear provoking to attempt to undergo change such as these describe in these pages, it may take a few false starts in the beginning before you get the hang of it.  Becoming balanced and moving forward in your life towards peace does take time. Moving forward doesn't mean you don't care about the person who is the catalyst for your pain but unless you break free, get some space between the two of you and don't fill the space, let the space be the waste disposal for your intense emotions, your parallels, your emotional venting.  This way you neither hold the intense emotions which hurt you and you stop absorbing the  intensity of what is transferred and projected from the unhealthy behaviours.  You 'allow' your higher power or the Universe to deal with it all, otherwise you will not be able to care in any real way for anyone including yourself. One step at a time is enough and sometimes we need to just sit and do nothing, you  choose for your self what's best for you.  You could enlist a counsellor to support clarity of your thoughts and to support the intensity of emotions.

Personally -  I sent all my perpetrators vibrations and intense emotions metaphorically off to the Outta Hebrides for the Universe to deal with.  In this way I don't spend my precious time or energy thinking and procrastinating on what to do with them, it's not my job to be judge and jury to the person with the unhealthy  behaviour.  My only concern is to protect myself,  regain balance, well-being and maintain and enhance my own mental wealth, in an authentic humanistic way to become the person I want to be.   Hold and offer compassion to others, including those who have hurt me along the way.  I wish them well on their continuing journey without me taking a part in or on it, accepting they are who they are and they know best for their self  whilst learning from the experiences and don't repeat the same outdated patterns which held me back!

 

For me it was and is about acceptance not forgiveness I don't need to forgive the dominators only accept they did what they did and that wasn't my choice.  However, as an adult I can choose here and now not to play their games or be a part in their behaviour which hurt me, accept good people do bad things, bad people do bad things and evil people do evil things to good people.  At the end of this day and any day we are all Human Beings doing the best we can as individuals to survive, whether surviving means doing bad things, we all need to protect ourselves and our children. 

 

Once we have regained our balance we can then offer care for the person deploying unhealthy behaviours or not the choice is ours.   Go back to basics and take care of yourself, it might seem obvious but get enough sleep, eat if you can't eat meals, eat little and often.  Seek support from a counsellor  psychotherapist or specialist agency before you make any decision to leave or do anything different.  We can  begin healing and building our self-esteem and self-worth this will help us to clarify and make sense of what is happening and help you with your decision making. It's about exploring and seeking what works for you personally.

The first step

toward change

is awareness.

The second step is acceptance.

 

Nathaniel Branden

Please note: This is not a 'a to do list', 'a prescription' nor 'instructions' for you to carry out.  This is information on what has helped others including myself  to heal from unhealthy relationship/s including the one we have with ourselves!  If any of them offer support a  healing path than that's a positive.  If we don't know what might support healing then we don't have options and choices.  It is the choice of the reader to accept or reject, pick up or leave down or try or not try, the choice belongs to us as individuals. 

The following are possibilities rather than probabilities  for the option of making an informed  choice if the reader so wishes.

Eckhart Tolle

(The Power of Now, etc.)

defines acceptance as a:

"this is it"

 

response to anything occurring in any

moment of life.

There, strength,

peace and serenity

are available when

one stops struggling to resist, or hang on

tightly to what is

so in any given

moment. What do

I have right now?

Now what am I experiencing?

The point is, can one

be sad when one is sad, afraid when afraid,

silly when silly,

happy when happy, judgmental when judgmental, overthinking when overthinking,

serene when serene,

etc"

Living in the here and now is all any of us really have

Swear - Mornings always seemed worse for me and this is the time when anxiety is most profound so I would get up and allow myself the time I get showered, dried, dressed and ready for my day; as I move about I will use all those naughty words  I don't normally use and say them loudly, deeply or even deeply and whispered with venom behind each word as I say them.   Calling  all the names under the sun which I can think of and then I'd have a laugh with myself at what I am doing.  By the time I got ready for my day the negative energy is spent and I can then begin using my affirmations to support a day which is going to be positive. If you live  on your own this is possible; if you don't live on your own you may look a little crazy or fearful to your children as you launch into a whole lot of profanities if so I suggest you sit on your bed and gently hold a pillow and swear or scream into that so you can't be heard by your children or others who may be around.   Don't forget to breath and don't forget to smile!  Once healing has taken hold then need to vent in this way will evaporate as you take hold of the adventure which is building your self identity just as you want to be.

 

Sing it out - Singing is free, it stirs, uplifts and rouses your Soul,  so go on sing it loud, sing it proud, just sing it all out!  some that worked for me are Alrite Alrite everything is gonna be Alrite (East 17) (I'm a Yorkshire lass) I will survive (Gloria Gaynor)  The only way is up (Yazz) You'll never walk alone (Gerry and The Pacemakers)  Its coming home (footballs coming home) (Lightening Seeds + Baddiel & Skinner)  Jerusalem (Hymn). And my go to song "when the Going Gets Tough, The tough get going" (Billy Ocean)  You don't need to sing all the words just the chorus or the parts  which speak to you, find your own songs which will parallel and get rid of the negative self speak which will come first thing in the morning and you can use them throughout the day toooooo.  Or turn the radio on and sing along to what is playing but choose an up beat station. Stay alert, stay with thoughts of your healing, stay expressing.  Your goal is to activate the power of your pos-itude so your day begins on a positive stream one which you can float along on!

One of  the problems I had when engaged with all the people who utilise an unhealthy process in my life,  is I  took it personally "what's wrong with me"?, "Why can't I be loved"?  "why do I always get it wrong"?  When I came off my 'I', was able to stand  back, took another look,  became  a lot more objective, then and only then  I could see 'I' wasn't the problem.   It was a valuable lesson  learnt.  

SJS 2014 

An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”

Viktor E. Frankl,

Man's Search for Meaning

Knowing your own darkness

is the best method for

dealing with the darknesses

of other people.

 

Carl Jung
 

People not only gain

understanding through

reflection, they evaluate

and alter their

own thinking.

Albert Bandura (1986).

“Social foundations of thought and action: a social cognitive theory”, 

"The ultimate measure of a man

is not where he stands

in moments of comfort

and convenience, but where

he stands at times of

challenge and controversy." 

Martin Luther King Jr

from Strength to Love, 1963

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

 

Mother Teresa

Get moving -  If the above is not a way you find helpful, your goal first thing in a morning is to spend all your excess energy so try stepping up onto the bottom step of your stairs or if you live in a flat jog, jump, skip on the spot for ten or fifteen minutes or undertake an exercise routine if you are physically fit (check out with your doctor before embarking on physical exercise).  You are trying to use the excess energy you woke up with so it doesn't cause damage or build up to a high level and cause panic or anxiety disorders throughout your day or be the cause of long term anxiety issues.   Catch it, contain it, conquer it!

Accept - The person you love behaves unhealthy for your relationship to flourish as it is. Accept they actually can not help the way they are here and now and accept they did not  choose to be this way and if they had a choice they more than likely would not be this way.  I do believe they can become aware of their behaviour but it is likely to be extremely difficult for them to change it since they find difficulty in owning it and their well-established defense mechanisms would probably stop much progress from happening, however it is not impossible for any one to change their behaviours.  If you could take hold of the myriad of feelings it will give you a deeper insight into how they perhaps  feel most of the time and this is a very sad state of mind to live with. Wish them well as they journey forwards and heal yourself!

Accept You played a part in their behaviour because 'relationship takes two! ...….. "I allowed their behaviours to continue without saying anything or doing anything about it" because "I didn't know I could!".  "I didn't know I had a choice"!

When you answer that question for yourself ......... the answers  will be your goals to work towards.

 

Accept - You played a part in their behaviour because you were not aware of what is/was going on.  Once you embrace the fact their normal process of relating is unhealthy then have a choice to do something about it, if you choose to do so, if you are safe i.e. all of their unhealthy behaviour is verbal,  take your time to make the decision which will be the best path for you to follow.  If a person is physically violent towards you or anyone else in the immediate  enlist the police support dialing 999  this is assault!

Accept there are psychological dynamics going on that you probably do not understand and have no knowledge about and may find them difficult to understand right now.  Accept the unhealthy and unreasonable behaviours, s/he usually uses towards you and others.  The following quote springs to mind as I type by George Orwell, 1994 "You will be hollow.  We shall squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves", this is exactly the potential of what can happen living and loving someone within an unreasonable and unhealthy relationship/s. Accept this is all about them in your relationship and now it is time to accept YOU CAN HEAL and  seek about finding the path of peace for your future, because you do have one it is on the horizon and it is there for your taking! 

Accept -  You are not crazy, mad or going out of your mind and not going to be in emotional chaos forever unless you choose to be! Accept there is a reason for all the ways you and your loved one  behaved this way.  Because the unhealthy person has impaired coping strategies going on and on and because of their defence mechanisms.  Which more than likely impacted upon you negatively too and impaired your emotional coping strategies and the logical way you once thought.  You have and are reacting 'normally' to abnormal conditions set up by the unhealthy persons way of interacting with you.  They are not able to reciprocate love, affection or even kindness; (DSMV-IV) other than what they mirror from you and others of how to behave, this perhaps helps cause our confusion. Accept  the person marketed and presented themselves in such a way that you fell in love with them without question and they have special techniques called idolise, bond, levelling, devalue, replace and discard to seduce, trap and control; manipulating others  into what they want us to be and do.  They have 'pretended to offer us the same as we offered them'  knowing they are incapable of offering such tenderness, love, affection empathy or compassion.  They are in effect empty, hollow, cold, inner world, at this time of interacting with you and others.  

 

This is a very sad and destructive way of being,  don't you think? Have empathy for them, wish him or her well for their journey forwards!  Seek support as a couple if you decide you want to remain in the relationship it is possible if the unhealthy behaviour is accepted and the person chooses to change!

And get help and support for your healing journey contact me today and together in partnership we will find your way through to your  new empowered  way of being!

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