Possibilities not Probabilities
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Release your unique gifts
Let your dreams set sail
Susan Stubbings
Doncaster - South Yorkshire
Therapeutic Counsellor & Counselling Supervision
Creating Connections & Peace of Mind - Compassionate & Caring Support for ALL
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Discover new horizons
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Contact email at pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com or telephone, text or WhatsApp message on 07867938630.
Fostering personal & professional growth & development
Counselling is a skilled, principled and ethical collaboration
Further healing examples
Write it out in prose
or poetry
(so you're not carrying it
around with you)
The smile that seethes
On the front of your mask
That softly whispers
Behind eyes made of glass
The calm within
The storms that rage
No one can suspect what lies
Beneath your tender gaze
You're really quite undignified
A real live valentine, an
emotional vampire, a werewolf in sheep' s attire ready to trap
All I did was love,
adore you.
Whilst you connived,
plotted, schemed, to rupture
to harvest, to murder
My Soul
Your Aurora collisions
Creating a magnetic squall
Solar winds liberating
Your poisonous quintessence's
The typhoon at the heart of you
Projecting your ancient ruins
Unfathomable lust,
your hunger, your thirst
The shock that numbed
As the dawning breaks
Revisiting the grave of
My Childhood mistakes
Here they are all alive in you
Your slipping façade
Illuminating the
depths, the gap, within the
Dark lord of this dance
The blazing light, awakening
Enlightening my Child
my heart clearly
knowing now, the fog,
the rain, the plunging fear, pitter pattering through the mist
In recognition
Where I thought it was me
I now understand
I was led to believe
I was flawed by birth,
in and of my existence
The power of insight
The power of authentic empowering love and
Me to find, you,
They, were all just
One of a kind
Great big fear inducing
Imposters, great
pretenders, all
Wizards of Oz
And you, My Child
You were your own Sun
The Aurora Borealis
All along .....
Somewhere over the rainbow. Living my calm
Here and now!
Susan Stubbings May 2016
BOX - All those things the person gave you. Replace the jewellery you wear every day or the favourite earrings you associate them with. Put in the box anything which reminds you of them don't leave them laying around your home space so your eyes can see them. The ornaments, the books, the photo albums, all the little trinkets, the pens, the notebooks, the poetry, the written stories anything and everything put in a box or several boxes. DO not throw them away! You may regret doing so later if you do. Your aim is to remove the person from your living space (for now) so you don't have constant triggers which pull your postlude and affirmation away. Yes, even that teddy bear he gave you or the cute cuddly toy you have sat on the side of your bed, put that cushion away he gave you to cuddle since when you are cuddling it you are thinking of him/her/they/them. It won't offer you any comfort, all it does is put your mind into thinking about them. Put them all away into boxes and put them out of your house into your shed or garage and leave them there. One day when you have healed you can take a look at the stuff and remember how and what they did to cause you all this grief, pain and emotional upset, you will not want to go there ever again. BOX it all away! If you need something to comfort you replace them with things which speak to who you are here and now, things which enhance your healing and your journey forward. New music, new books, new jewelry, a new teddy bear give it a name of something you are wanting to achieve such as happy, smiley or peace something you want to gain for yourself this will ease your transition from disconnecting from them and onto you and your future - it awaits.
Once you have healed sufficiently to 'see' these things as 'nice' 'lovely' or useful and they no longer evoke intense emotions then bring them back in and let them be a 'memory ' and a 'witness' to all the love you have inside your self!
Gather - all the information you can on what is a healthy relationship and what is not a healthy relationship and compare and contrast your relationship and your experience. Understand that it really is not your fault and it really is not the other persons fault they did not choose to need to behave unhealthy it is perhaps all they know at this time. Blame never got anyone anywhere and your goal now is to get your well-being back. Gathering every bit of information, you can helps support your understanding, can help sooth your thoughts and enable you to parallel any negative thoughts you have about your self-worth with the truth!
Affirmation - Create several affirmations which speak loudly to you, affirmations are free and the easiest tool to use to parallel your negative thoughts. I love to collage so I made a notice board which I could move around my home full of affirmations and/or quotes which speak loudly to me. If you can see them and it is safe to do so you can recite them over and over to replace your negative words, thoughts and build up your authentic power. You can add picture too so they trigger positive thoughts and feelings I like pictures of the sea when its calm and blue skies so I can drift off to a peaceful safe place in my mind instead of letting incessant negative thoughts build up. Eventually our mind will be full of the positive and we will not need visual cues in order to hear the affirmations in our mind they will become our automatic thoughts with practice! The day I heard "your a strong independent woman" instead of "I wonder if he'll phone me today" or having a full blown conversation in my head as I awoke was the day I knew my real healing had begun. But it takes practice so don't give up when it seems they are not working, they are, working away in the background like radio waves chipping away at your subconscious strengthening your minds muscles way before you get to the point of hearing them clearly in your conscious mind! SO keep practicing them and let them do their work for you.
Be gentle with yourself - It is difficult and fear provoking to attempt to undergo change such as these describe in these pages, it may take a few false starts in the beginning before you get the hang of it. Becoming balanced and moving forward in your life towards peace does take time. Moving forward doesn't mean you don't care about the person who is the catalyst for your pain but unless you break free, get some space between the two of you and don't fill the space, let the space be the waste disposal for your intense emotions, your parallels, your emotional venting. This way you neither hold the intense emotions which hurt you and you stop absorbing the intensity of what is transferred and projected from the unhealthy behaviours. You 'allow' your higher power or the Universe to deal with it all, otherwise you will not be able to care in any real way for anyone including yourself. One step at a time is enough and sometimes we need to just sit and do nothing, you choose for your self what's best for you. You could enlist a counsellor to support clarity of your thoughts and to support the intensity of emotions.
Please note: This is not a 'a to do list', 'a prescription' nor 'instructions' for you to carry out. This is information on what has helped others including myself to heal from unhealthy relationship/s including the one we have with ourselves! If any of them offer support a healing path than that's a positive. If we don't know what might support healing then we don't have options and choices. It is the choice of the reader to accept or reject, pick up or leave down or try or not try, the choice belongs to us as individuals.
The following are possibilities rather than probabilities for the option of making an informed choice if the reader so wishes.
Mud Mud
Glorious mud
Nothing quiet
Like it for cooling
The blood
So follow me follow
Down to the hollow
And there we shall
Wallow in glorioooooooous mud!
The first step
toward change
is awareness.
The second step is acceptance.
Nathaniel Branden
Eckhart Tolle
(The Power of Now, etc.)
defines acceptance as a:
"this is it"
response to anything occurring in any
moment of life.
There, strength,
peace and serenity
are available when
one stops struggling to resist, or hang on
tightly to what is
so in any given
moment. What do
I have right now?
Now what am I experiencing?
The point is, can one
be sad when one is sad, afraid when afraid,
silly when silly,
happy when happy, judgmental when judgmental, overthinking when overthinking,
serene when serene,
etc"
Living in the here and now is all any of us really have
Personally - I sent all my perpetrators vibrations and intense emotions metaphorically off to the Outta Hebrides for the Universe to deal with. In this way I don't spend my precious time or energy thinking and procrastinating on what to do with them, it's not my job to be judge and jury to the person with the unhealthy behaviour. My only concern is to protect myself, regain balance, well-being and maintain and enhance my own mental wealth, in an authentic humanistic way to become the person I want to be. Hold and offer compassion to others, including those who have hurt me along the way. I wish them well on their continuing journey without me taking a part in or on it, accepting they are who they are and they know best for their self whilst learning from the experiences and don't repeat the same outdated patterns which held me back!
For me it was and is about acceptance not forgiveness I don't need to forgive the dominators only accept they did what they did and that wasn't my choice. However, as an adult I can choose here and now not to play their games or be a part in their behaviour which hurt me, accept good people do bad things, bad people do bad things and evil people do evil things to good people. At the end of this day and any day we are all Human Beings doing the best we can as individuals to survive, whether surviving means doing bad things, we all need to protect ourselves and our children.
Once we have regained our balance we can then offer care for the person deploying unhealthy behaviours or not the choice is ours. Go back to basics and take care of yourself, it might seem obvious but get enough sleep, eat if you can't eat meals, eat little and often. Seek support from a counsellor psychotherapist or specialist agency before you make any decision to leave or do anything different. We can begin healing and building our self-esteem and self-worth this will help us to clarify and make sense of what is happening and help you with your decision making. It's about exploring and seeking what works for you personally.
Swear - Mornings always seemed worse for me and this is the time when anxiety is most profound so I would get up and allow myself the time I get showered, dried, dressed and ready for my day; as I move about I will use all those naughty words I don't normally use and say them loudly, deeply or even deeply and whispered with venom behind each word as I say them. Calling all the names under the sun which I can think of and then I'd have a laugh with myself at what I am doing. By the time I got ready for my day the negative energy is spent and I can then begin using my affirmations to support a day which is going to be positive. If you live on your own this is possible; if you don't live on your own you may look a little crazy or fearful to your children as you launch into a whole lot of profanities if so I suggest you sit on your bed and gently hold a pillow and swear or scream into that so you can't be heard by your children or others who may be around. Don't forget to breath and don't forget to smile! Once healing has taken hold then need to vent in this way will evaporate as you take hold of the adventure which is building your self identity just as you want to be.
Sing it out - Singing is free, it stirs, uplifts and rouses your Soul, so go on sing it loud, sing it proud, just sing it all out! some that worked for me are Alrite Alrite everything is gonna be Alrite (East 17) (I'm a Yorkshire lass) I will survive (Gloria Gaynor) The only way is up (Yazz) You'll never walk alone (Gerry and The Pacemakers) Its coming home (footballs coming home) (Lightening Seeds + Baddiel & Skinner) Jerusalem (Hymn). And my go to song "when the Going Gets Tough, The tough get going" (Billy Ocean) You don't need to sing all the words just the chorus or the parts which speak to you, find your own songs which will parallel and get rid of the negative self speak which will come first thing in the morning and you can use them throughout the day toooooo. Or turn the radio on and sing along to what is playing but choose an up beat station. Stay alert, stay with thoughts of your healing, stay expressing. Your goal is to activate the power of your pos-itude so your day begins on a positive stream one which you can float along on!
One of the problems I had when engaged with all the people who utilise an unhealthy process in my life, is I took it personally "what's wrong with me"?, "Why can't I be loved"? "why do I always get it wrong"? When I came off my 'I', was able to stand back, took another look, became a lot more objective, then and only then I could see 'I' wasn't the problem. It was a valuable lesson learnt.
SJS 2014
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”
Knowing your own darkness
is the best method for
dealing with the darknesses
of other people.
Carl Jung
People not only gain
understanding through
reflection, they evaluate
and alter their
own thinking.
Albert Bandura (1986).
“Social foundations of thought and action: a social cognitive theory”,
"The ultimate measure of a man
is not where he stands
in moments of comfort
and convenience, but where
he stands at times of
challenge and controversy."
Martin Luther King Jr
from Strength to Love, 1963
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”
Get moving - If the above is not a way you find helpful, your goal first thing in a morning is to spend all your excess energy so try stepping up onto the bottom step of your stairs or if you live in a flat jog, jump, skip on the spot for ten or fifteen minutes or undertake an exercise routine if you are physically fit (check out with your doctor before embarking on physical exercise). You are trying to use the excess energy you woke up with so it doesn't cause damage or build up to a high level and cause panic or anxiety disorders throughout your day or be the cause of long term anxiety issues. Catch it, contain it, conquer it!
Accept - The person you love behaves unhealthy for your relationship to flourish as it is. Accept they actually can not help the way they are here and now and accept they did not choose to be this way and if they had a choice they more than likely would not be this way. I do believe they can become aware of their behaviour but it is likely to be extremely difficult for them to change it since they find difficulty in owning it and their well-established defense mechanisms would probably stop much progress from happening, however it is not impossible for any one to change their behaviours. If you could take hold of the myriad of feelings it will give you a deeper insight into how they perhaps feel most of the time and this is a very sad state of mind to live with. Wish them well as they journey forwards and heal yourself!
Accept You played a part in their behaviour because 'relationship takes two! ...….. "I allowed their behaviours to continue without saying anything or doing anything about it" because "I didn't know I could!". "I didn't know I had a choice"!
When you answer that question for yourself ......... the answers will be your goals to work towards.
Accept - You played a part in their behaviour because you were not aware of what is/was going on. Once you embrace the fact their normal process of relating is unhealthy then have a choice to do something about it, if you choose to do so, if you are safe i.e. all of their unhealthy behaviour is verbal, take your time to make the decision which will be the best path for you to follow. If a person is physically violent towards you or anyone else in the immediate enlist the police support dialing 999 this is assault!
Accept - there are psychological dynamics going on that you probably do not understand and have no knowledge about and may find them difficult to understand right now. Accept the unhealthy and unreasonable behaviours, s/he usually uses towards you and others. The following quote springs to mind as I type by George Orwell, 1994 "You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves", this is exactly the potential of what can happen living and loving someone within an unreasonable and unhealthy relationship/s. Accept this is all about them in your relationship and now it is time to accept YOU CAN HEAL and seek about finding the path of peace for your future, because you do have one it is on the horizon and it is there for your taking!
Accept - You are not crazy, mad or going out of your mind and not going to be in emotional chaos forever unless you choose to be! Accept there is a reason for all the ways you and your loved one behaved this way. Because the unhealthy person has impaired coping strategies going on and on and because of their defence mechanisms. Which more than likely impacted upon you negatively too and impaired your emotional coping strategies and the logical way you once thought. You have and are reacting 'normally' to abnormal conditions set up by the unhealthy persons way of interacting with you. They are not able to reciprocate love, affection or even kindness; (DSMV-IV) other than what they mirror from you and others of how to behave, this perhaps helps cause our confusion. Accept the person marketed and presented themselves in such a way that you fell in love with them without question and they have special techniques called idolise, bond, levelling, devalue, replace and discard to seduce, trap and control; manipulating others into what they want us to be and do. They have 'pretended to offer us the same as we offered them' knowing they are incapable of offering such tenderness, love, affection empathy or compassion. They are in effect empty, hollow, cold, inner world, at this time of interacting with you and others.
This is a very sad and destructive way of being, don't you think? Have empathy for them, wish him or her well for their journey forwards! Seek support as a couple if you decide you want to remain in the relationship it is possible if the unhealthy behaviour is accepted and the person chooses to change!
And get help and support for your healing journey contact me today and together in partnership we will find your way through to your new empowered way of being!