You know your healing is effective ......
You are becoming
your own person
Its takes long hard
emotional effort. Sometimes you make
high waves, remember
learning to surf .
Sometimes you are
sat on the calm ocean watching the world go by
resting, taking stock.
But you know you are worth all the time
and effort it takes
When you are expressing your emotions openly and freely with safe and trusted others
I woke up this morning
You weren’t on my mind
I feel you're no longer
a feature in my
midnight or morning sky
I realised you’ve not
Been here for weeks
Now I am curious
'Cos I thought
I was well .... beat
It's been all about
You for years
As I repeat
now your gone
I feel forming
Inside me reverberate
But now I'm smiling
At the ricochet’s
For I sense the
Echo existing here,
Now, in me are just
the breeze of what
might have been
'Cos I’ve just taken
Look inside and
You right out
Of my heart & mind
To recall at my will
Well fancy that!
To recall or
not at my whim
Replaced you with
Real authentic love
The warmth of my
my own horizon
breeze of my living!
I'm feeling the
sunshine after the rain
With two feet firmly
on the ground
So it's been some weeks since you last spoke or seen the person who acts unhealthily. You are feeling a little nervous about yourself and your life in the way of your wonderings about when this will be all over ......
So how do you know when you are well on the road to recovery?
You have gone no contact - By your own choice, you made the conscious decision and whilst it was difficult you have achieved it for some months and in these months you have been gathering information on the what, how and where’s of what makes unhealthy behaviours.
You have stopped - Looking at your phone to see if they have whatsapp, text or sent you an email, you no longer feel the need to check. You have stopped wishing they would even and you are almost happy when you do check and find they haven't been in contact because you know that when they do you may have that same ole pull on your emotions and you may not be quite ready to say no and mean it! But you are well on your way to be able to ignore if they do contact you and start the manipulation all over again (hoovering) because you can now recognise their conning, grooming and seductive ways You have stopped checking out their Facebook, twitter or Instagram page your need to check has stopped in the main.
Your every waking thought is not on the person - you begin to recognise at the end of the day you find yourself saying “Oh I didn’t think about him/her at all today, till just now” or it’s been a few days before they popped into your head. He/she is not the first or last thing on your mind as you get in or out of bed. You have gone out and about and the person has not been on your mind you have been enjoying the here and now present moment either by yourself or with the people you are sharing your time with. You have not had a conversation about them, mentioned them or had any inclination to do so, if someone else brought their name up or asked you a question about them or your relationship you can easily say "oh that was over ages ago and I've moved on" with confidence and end that conversation with a question about the person who asked!
You no longer - think when out shopping he/she would like that and you have stopped buying things in case he/she might just call for a visit today or you stop looking at the things sat on the shop shelves which remind you of them or you recognise these things trigger your thoughts to the person and you are able to put them in that place and leave your thoughts on the shelf with the stuff.
You start to consciously care for yourself - You find yourself asking “what do I need” or "what can I do today which makes me happy"? , this is the exact opposite of when you used to ask this question of yourself about what can you do to make the other person happy today! You are beginning or being gentler with yourself and offering self-compassion. You are thinking about or engaging in some form of professional support such as counselling to help you clarify, come to terms with and explore the relationship/s, sharing the burden rather than carrying it all upon your own shoulders. You see you can help yourself and ask others for support and know you are stronger than you first thought.
You have stopped blaming yourself - For his/her behaviour you recognise that it was their behaviour and really had nothing to do with you but you were caught in their web of lies and deceit. You are beginning or can accept they do actually have complex problems within themselves which you can't change, fix or rescue them from.... you recognise you don't need to be part of that. If you are married you have either decided to stay in the marriage knowing all this or you have decided the marriage is no longer for you and you have separated and/or started divorce proceedings. If you've decided to stay you will be organising your thoughts and behaviours so the person no longer affects you as they once did because you now understand their behaviours as belonging to them and nothing much to do with you. As such you are learning to manage not embracing their way of being and not being affected detrimentally by them.
You can own your part - in staying in the relationship but find that you have stopped shaming yourself in favour of a more objective view of what happened and can begin to or firmly put the unhealthy behaviour metaphorically back at their feet, without absorbing it You are connected to your inner self and on your way to the deepest connection you have ever had.
You find yourself wondering ‘what if’ - but not the what if I don’t do this because he/she won’t like it as you once did when in the relationship. This what if is more about “what if I look at what kept me ‘there ‘in that relationship, what are my emotional patterns. This what if is more about you not wanting to repeat the same relationship patterns and wanting to grow and develop yourself. You are curious to where your patterns came from and if they can be changed and you set about find the answers to these questions rather than exploring what or how can the other can change. We can't change anyone else only ourselves, you are finding ways to do this which enhance your overall well-being, you recognise this won't be an easy journey but the end goal of healing is of your making and well within your capabilities to do so even if this means enlisting professional support for some of the way.
You no longer focus on what you don’t have - You find your focus is no longer on what you have lost (a relationship) or what you don't have but on what you have which is positive and good for your own well-being, you recognise you have stopped procrastinating on the ‘if only’ and more focused on how to make life better for yourself and the others you share your life with, "how can I be more productive and happier"? Is your question now, not what can I do to make his/her life better. You stop trying to rescue and fix others you recognise you are the only one you can rescue and it is you who is the most important here and now as you work to heal yourself.
You recognise the sadness of it all - Whilst it is very sad and you feel sad about the ending of this relationship you recognise it wasn't real on any level because you fell in love with a person who pretended to be loving, affectionate, charming and caring, sadly this person is incapable of being in love or loving anyone including themselves they are just fulfilling their insatiable needs for love and acceptance. Their needs being insatiable can never be filled no matter what you do or say and you recognise how this exhausted, belittled and set you up to fail, this always was and is going to be a win-lose situation with you the loser every time.
You recognise your need to grieve - for all you thought the relationship was, for all you thought the relationship could be and for all the hurt and pain they inflicted upon you. You recognise healing is going to be a difficult journey as grieving after the loss of a loved one is always mostly fraught with intense emotions: but you also recognise you can heal and the journey will be well worth your time and effort as you have worth and value. You recognise you may need professional support for some of the way and you have either engaged in counselling or are about too.
You recognise you can seek the support of others - from trusted friends, relatives or colleague and don't need go it alone and that an experienced counselling practitioner can offer you the validation in a non-judgemental way which you will need to engage in for the deeper healing from a relationship with a an unhealthy person who has invalidated you from when he/she "had you at hello". The support of someone who is knowledgeable about healing from such relationship/s will be like a pair of braces holding up trousers so they don't fall down and will be invaluable to you through the most difficult times of your grieving and healing journey.
You recognise you are making decisions - with more ease, without thinking about what he/she will think of you or questioning will this be alright for them, you try out new things and becoming more self-aware and assertive finding insight from your personal experiences.
You are building stronger boundaries - some of your daily focus is on your personal boundaries and autonomy in order to protect yourself from such relationships in the further. You consciously know you will not tolerate anyone who even hints at controlling you; you know what you want and don’t want in a relationship. You are or have begun to sense and use your intuition when you meet new people or long-time friends and aquatainces for that matter and your gut feeling is what you rely on the most. You know and believe that you are the captain of your ship and no one else is likely to take the helm from you in the future because you own your own authentic power. You recognise you are no longer defenceless, a victim or weak you recognise you are a survivor and you are either the warrior in your own life or well on your way to becoming one.
Your self-esteem – has strengthened and/or you are working on your personal confidence and self-worth daily, you no longer look to the outside world too valid you. You create affirmations which work for you and use them daily. You no longer tolerate controlling or overpowering people, those people who devalue you or use you to make themselves look good or feel better. You recognise and appreciate they have a right to be who they are equally to you but you don’t want them in your life. You say thanks but no thanks and wish them well as you move forward in your own life.
You are able to question - anything and everything you mull things over more and see things from several sides you are no longer dependant or co-dependant on anyone else’s say so., You no longer wait for anyone else’s approval before you make your mind up because you are too busy focused on what’s not only best for you but questioning what’s best for everyone concerned. You no longer dismiss any point of view without first thinking about it and clarifying your own thoughts on the subject.
You recognise your mistakes - you know you are not perfect along with everyone else and you do not strive to be so, you make mistakes like the rest of us but you learn and adapt your behaviour from the mistakes you make. You no longer feel ashamed or guilty for making mistakes and when you make one the first thing you ask yourself is “what can I learn from this”. You are open to feedback and constructive criticism and recognise when the criticism is not constructive, you are no longer taking in by others, or gullible.
You are able to say No and Yes - with conviction, with a more informed choice, you have stopped just going with the flow of others decision making but making sound decisions for yourself based on your personal goals, aspirations, dream and desires of which you have been creating and building since the day you chose to heal. You take on board the needs of other with ‘equality’ to yourself and if you can help you do but if helping means this will diminish you then your NO is in favour of your own well-being.
Your goals for your life are - to create peace and harmony and you seek ways to do this and try them out, if they work you do more of it, if it doesn’t you let it go and move on. Life has become wider and more settled with an eye on your future and a wonderment of what your future could look like. You are or have become the author of your own life whilst listening to input from others you no longer hang on anyone’s words or wonder what they might say or react to how you choose to conduct your living.
You no longer wish - any malice or want any revenge towards those who have hurt you and whilst you don’t want them in your life you wish them well for their journey onwards and forward without you in their life. You no longer have any intense feelings for them either way in the form of love or hate other than ‘brotherly’ love for a fellow human being who faces similar challenges and suffering in the same way as all other human beings. You may begin to feel pity for them since you now recognise at your deepest level they can’t feel that love you had for them; you no longer concern yourself with their future. Your focus is on your own life and the lives of those sharing your life who are on similar paths to you, you recognise you can change and you do change your thoughts, feelings, senses and behaviour regular as you reflect, grow and develop.
ADD your own ways of healing
When you have reached this stage your healing is almost complete and you maintain it by keeping your boundaries strong whilst flexible, have the ability to both give and receive, build and strengthening your resiliency, maintaining your motivation for life and living. You feel love and harmony with your fellow man and peace a lot of the time and you handle all of life's conundrums with emotional intelligence. You look back on the relationships with all the people you have known in your life with a smile for the knowledge they actually helped you to feel at peace and one with your life here and now. Wish them well metaphorically as you go forward and beyond in your life, enjoying all there is to enjoy, be curious and open to the adventure which is your life and living.
Meeting all that life throws at you with confidence.
If you would benefit from support to get here contact me today and I will accompany you on your travels over the rough terrain which is recovery from the effects of living and loving a person who utilises a unhealthy process of relating.
Sometimes labeled Naricissim however labels don't really get us anywhere!
Bring it back to self and heal or seek to heal self and live the life you want and choose!