Possibilities not Probabilities
Release your unique gifts
Let your dreams set sail
Susan Stubbings
Doncaster - South Yorkshire
Therapeutic Counsellor & Counselling Supervision
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Here you'll find the rhythms, the waves of possible energies of maladjusted
self-concept known as unhealthy Narcissism
Resulting in dominant
and manipulative
behaviour. As seen through my personal lens.
The person utilising a maladjusted process is the perpetual smooth operator who floats, glides, flows and devours with absolute precision; think of them as the dog who sits waiting for the opportunity to jump up onto the chair arm when you are eating a snack. Just as your attention is away from the plate the greedy dog seeing its opportunity jumps up and devours everything on the plate; then looks at you with those big puppy eyes and it difficult to be annoyed with him for long. however, the dog did not set the table nor provided the food for the plate; it is an animal who doesn't know any better, all the dog wants is to eat. It doesn't have feelings for the person who prepared the snack, laid the plates and put all the effort into fetching, cooking and putting food on the table, the dog does not have feeling on what it is doing or how its behaviour impacts upon another.
In my experience all human beings are equal, fluid and have potential, with change being inevitable, as with all information & theory it is not fact. We can choose to look towards our own experiencing of living to aid our personal understanding. Whilst remaining open, taking on board thoughts and experience of others and pondering upon information offered this could bring about our personal emotional health and overall well-being , if that is our personal desire.
Any and all of these behaviors would be considered unreasonable
A person with this type of process is rather like the out of control dog consuming what is not theirs; everything s/he does is underpinned by waiting to pounce, conniving, calculating and manipulating, rather like the dog watching, waiting to take its chance at the 'forbidden' food. However, unlike the dog this person set their own place at the table and everyone else's as they suck them all into the games. Like a well-oiled engine with all pistons firing at the same time to make the engine move, the engine of this process is like a tank in manoeuvres in the dark with high explosive war heads. The target in this case however is the unsuspecting, the victim, a person with a heart and soul, the dominant fill you with fear, run you over, flatten you with operational mobility tactics sat in an armoured fighting vehicle. S/he is offensive and defensive on the rampage rather like an angry teenager but won't look or present self as an angry teenager in the throes of a turbulent transition they will be a grown man or woman who are charmers, charming, well mannered, charismatic, dynamic and above all loving until they snare you in their caterpillar tyres you're going round and round on their battlefield clinging on to a mere existence because life's energy has been sucked out of us. In his mind field we will never develop into the beautiful butterfly we are meant to be! Neither will they because they are an emotional toddler in an adult body on a teenage rampage.
ACTION SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
Please note: The behaviours listed here are for making sense of any of our own or others behaviours which are used in relating to us personally, which might be considered unhealthy. This writer does not advocate this information is used 'against' anyone to gain 'one-up-man ship', to diagnose', 'accuse' by 'telling' 'naming', 'blaming' 'shaming' or give others a 'heads-up' to name their behaviours. Doing so would in itself be considered unhealth and is unlikely to aid any situation. It is more than likely to make any volatile situation worse, or be the cause of discomfort and distress to the other/s! These writings are offered to raise personal awareness and possibilities which inform personal choices only.
If you are concerned about any aspect of your health, mental or physical please seek a consultation with your doctor in the first instance.
If you are concerned about someone else behaviour towards you or any children if you feel in danger or any children are in any danger from another's behaviours in the immediate please seek support from the appropriate authorities by ringing 999 in the UK.
The Scientist
How do they hook victims? - By all the tactics which follow (and more). Some of these dynamic are part of human relationships and are not necessarily unhealthy but if you have a partner, spouse, lover, friend, colleague or yourself who deploys a lot of these tactics a lot of the time, they and you have a problem here and now. Be clear this person will divide and conquer, secrets will be rife but you won't know s/he has secrets with others. Only that you will have a secret between the two of you and maybe the secret if told will affect your reputation or embarrass and cause stress if it was told. Be clear this person has set the 'secret' up to ensure your silence! Secrets speak to their rhythm because secrets are powerful they bond people to each other, it is a supreme weapon of controlling. Be clear you are dealing with a person that will not and cannot change in the here and now, unless they acknowledge their unhealthy behaviours. S/he may even say "I will tell, if you want me to spread the pain" (reverse psychology) and of course as a loving person do not want your worst enemy to feel the pain you are feeling! However, a person utilising such a process is your worst enemy they have set the pace, the timing of the relationship and we will be dancing to this tune today, tomorrow next week, next year right until they've had enough of us and discard us or we find clear vision!
There is no show of equality in a relationship with these behaviours being utilised to manipulate.
People deploying an overriding sense of entitlement, are interpersonally exploitative. No matter who you are they believe they are entitled to have their wants and needs fulfilled by others in any way they can, by whatever means it takes.
I Can't Help Falling in Love With You
Love bombing - is deployed to get our attention and asserts their control over us, as they shower us with compliments, praise, they are funny and fun to be around, relaxed whilst creating an atmosphere of safety right from the get go. They use their charm which feels warm and attractive, the gentleman opening doors for you, holding your coat or a lady fluttering her eye lashers and acting all coy! It feels wonderful and it would be if the intention behind it is to offer authentic love and affection; however, this is not the intention of the unhealthy process who love-bombs to seduce, influence and capture. We will be communicating through text, WhatsApp or email every day and this will feel like the love of our life, as they mirror our Soul. Like a whirlwind infiltrating every cell of our body, so it must be love right? We feel its love, we believe its love because we don't know it by any other name. It sure does feel right and good. That's exactly what they want us to believe. Rushing intimacy because he is so in love with us and we are in love with him, sex is the natural step to expressing love. It is also the deepest way to bond with another. They Idolize us into submission our head is spinning in dizzy heights of 'falling in love' but its all false a fantasy, infatuation not real love developing, since romantic love escapes them so they perform like a world class actor! Later they will use this again us saying something like 'you trapped me' into submission.
Be aware of any one rushing intimacy
Careless Whisper
Mirror mirror on the wall - During love bombing they will mirror all our mannerisms, body language, s/he will be expressing the same beliefs, values desires and wishes. Which will have now become 'our' instead of 'my' 'we' rather than 'I'. You and me against the world. S/he is adapt at active listening and mirroring what's been heard back to us. S/he will have listened for the chink in our armour gathering information about our weaknesses, childhood history and vulnerabilities. Whilst if we listened with the same intensity they will not have offered us much in the way of their life, his beliefs or history. He will have offered us just enough to keep us interested, that is he is successful, secure and safe or a victim of circumstance rather than any of their behaviours have created. S/he will have offered us information on any traumatic events in his life and we think he is the same as us. BUT he's only offering us enough to be able to use those same traumatic events later to manipulate, evoke the pity party and guilt trip us to feeling ashamed we might have challenged them. He will want close intimacy sexually and emotionally with you but he won't be the same way back. They project ethics and morals second to none, putting across almost to good to be true. A few weeks into the relationship they will know all our fears and insecurities and will start using them. He doesn't 'do' commitment or responsibility and seems incapable of real intimacy with us or anybody. He wants what we have because he is incapable of any real feelings at this time so feels vicariously through others. They want to be like us but because of the blocks that are layered upon their real self helps them behave in this unhealthy way.
Beware of anyone to good to be true.
With such an unhealthy process a person may deploy a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Stars Are Blind
Future Faking - Another of the strongest weapons in their arsenal is future faking it keeps us 'there' in the present. Lies, lies by omission and more lies they roll off the tongue like a well-oiled dip stick. The lies always speak to our hearts deepest desires and needs so with a promise of these being fulfilled we swoon. He instills hope in us only to drop us from the greatest height. We've found our Soul-mate even if s/he is married or in a long term relationship already, surly they will leave that partner now since they love me with their soul! Of course we don't know their soul is not pink and rosy, we assume it is because we don't really know any different, eventually their heart seems to be full of thorns. Keeping us and others out and them in. Like Rumpelstiltskin promises with no means or intention of fulfilling what is intimated at or the vision he's created for us to imagine. i.e. he will say stuff like "you'll make a fab wife", "when we" or "when you come over we will". 'Forever' is implied, suggested the together future is always on the horizon, its so close you can see the vista right in front of your eyes as they say "in the future", "never say never"! They take away our drive, direction, steal our motivation. The future we had in mind for our self is now none existent as we mistake their lust for power, for love. We assume when they imply, suggest and offers something in the future that his vision is the same as ours. Be clear it is not, they are faking it, the greatest pretender of all time in order to manipulate and get what they want in the here and now s/he hasn't got any future with us in mind once they've sucked us dry will devalue and discard us after causing us as much pain as they can! He's a star we're blind, we're in love with a mirage though because the images we have of them is built on the false image they project.
Be aware of inconsistencies in word and action.
I Am I Said
Managing down Expectation - Over time this type of behaviour will train us to expect less and less within the relationship this is known as 'Managing Down Expectations' and it will begin more or less at the same time as future faking right after love bombing and mirroring but we can't see it because we are in love since love is blind! They know this, s/he has pushed all your boundaries away in the loveboming, mirroring and future faking stages. Setting us up to think of a future with him/her and only with them so we can carry on adoring them and paying them the attention they need. But its all false, manipulating us, where once he manipulated us to accept everything is possible this is now changed, the goal posts moved and starts to draw the relationship boundaries back in. The puppet master who tells us, 'you don't want that' or 'you don't need' something. If you want sex he will use this against us and not offer sex as punishment but blames us for not wanting, needing. If we don't want sex he will go all out to have sex with us disparaging us for not 'wanting' him. Or for not giving them their right for sex!
It is normal to want sex with someone we love, it is also normal not to want sex with someone we love. It is our personal right to express our self through sex when we want to engage in sex.
Beware of anyone pressuring you into engaging in sexual activity against your want or demanding you do things sexually you do not want to do. Also beware of anyone who once engaged in a sexual relationship with you and now doesn't and who is manipulative in other ways.
Like the sun they feel all warm, comforting and large, they feel and are the largest star in our universe. In the atmosphere around
others. The magnetic
field is strong, intense and complicated. Their solar wind however is toxic as the centre of this sun is black and all consuming - burning and destroying everyone in their path.
Waiting in Vein - We're punished, dammed if we do and dammed if we don't, they may even say this to us as they use reverse psychology on us to keep control of us. They will have us jumping through hoops their hoops! As the devaluing stage begins. If they were ringing every day now only rings every other day and the days will get longer in between until they are only ringing once a month or less. If he was emailing daily he will begin by only emailing 3/4 times a week and the time in between will lengthen slowly but surly. She will be promising to do something which never materializes. Everything s/he offered us in the beginning of the relationship will slowly be withdrawn, he will be forever 'busy' to busy to text, WhatsApp, email or converse. It takes a few second to text, where once he will be texting morning, noon and night he will not now have time to text more than once a week. He's blowing hot and cold more often and he disappoints more when we want something from him/her they're not available or busy. He may make arrangements then cancel at the last min with some excuse. He will offer to see us on a day when he knows we are not available, then blame us by saying 'well I offered to visit but you weren't interested". We however might have been at work, had other arrangements they knew about before they offered. He manages down what we expect from him. Be clear when he's doing this to us he is setting up his next target and energy is pumped into the new source whilst he cools off from us but offers just enough to keep us hooked and there, if he wants, when he wants. He doses us whilst he love bombs, idolises the next source. People deploying these behaviours can't be without anyone so they are forever idolising, devaluing and discarding, in case one of his sources get on to him or he's sucked everything outta them then you will be no use to him. Until we are finally discarded at their whim without a second thought. Unless we gain understanding and leave first!
Beware of anyone deploying inconsistent behaviors
Unhealthy and disordered self-concepts are not something one chooses for their self, no one wants this in the first place; no one asked to have this way of being. This way of being was created by someone else and often in childhood. Sometimes love is just not enough so compassion can go a long way towards them and towards our self equally. Unless the person acknowledges they are unhealthy in their way of being, nothing can change. However change is possible for everyone if they choose to change. In the mean time they will emotionally distort, disturb and unbalance others if giving opportunity. If they can't help themselves, in the here and now, love them, but at the same time we need to protect our self and that might just by being informed about the possibilities of different behaviours .
Refection
What feelings and thought are being evoked as I read?
Am I waiting in vein?
“On the road to success there is absolutely no room for criticism of self or others. Insecurity and fear masquerade as jealousy and judgment. Finding faults in others wastes time as we attempt to remove the bricks from other people’s foundations – time that could be better spent building our own. And worrying about what other people think about us also wastes the time that could be better spent expanding upon what we have built.”
Alaric Hutchinson, Living Peace: Essential Teachings for Enriching Life
Sound of the Underground
Gaslighting - One of the cruellest manipulating tactics used is known as gaslighting. The maladjusted self-concept denies how something happened, rewriting our history together. Telling us what we think and feel, i.e. " you don't mean that" this persona may enlist family and friends to collude with them , s/he finishes our sentences when with others and undermines us, (this is different to the couple who have been together for years and are in tune with each other in a loving way) tells others in front of you that "she has to work harder because she's not as intelligent as the rest', putting us down so they look one up! As the victim we are left questioning our memory, perceptions, thoughts, feelings and eventually our sanity. The instilled self-doubt from the manipulation of the truth; for example, they may say something like "what is 'truth' anyway"? When we protest this is not how it was or call them on their memory recall, they are adamant, like a dog with a bone won't let go no matter what we do or say. Call black white and next time around white will have become black. Now all of a sudden they have selective hearing, selective memory recall and offer the exact opposite of what was offered before. This is to disorientate and psychologically manipulate the victim. Whilst we are busy trying to figure out if we are going crazy or if we've lost our mind. They are deliberately trying to destroy our perception of reality by saying one thing one time and something different or the opposite the next time. This manipulation is aimed at the victim to sow seeds of doubt by using misdirection, denial, lies, contradiction and cause instability and disorientating in the minds of the victim. Setting up second-guessing, questioning and self-doubt in our thinking processors. The film Gaslight where the name came from is worth a watch for examples of this form of manipulation tactic to clarify if this is anything like or similar to our experience. Gain as much information about the possibilities of our experience to gain information to inform decision making, identifying options and choices. This type of manipulation disempowers the recipient of such unhealthy behaviours.
Beware of your own thoughts question any and everything which doesn't feel right question your own self-doubting ask self where, what and how is my self-doubting coming from? Enlist trusted others and share your doubts get several others perspective or engage with an experienced counsellor and visit your doctor!
YELLOW. Sadly someone deploying an unhealthy process sabotages any effort we put in to mend the relationship because of course it's perfect for them so it doesn't need any fixing, rescuing, or mending. You might say something wasn't that way and he may say "the world according to ..............' (insert name) its not all about you"! Of course our world is according to us that's how it needs to be, we live our life according to our beliefs, values, ethics, an internal locus of evaluation. With compassion and empathy for others. Of course this is exactly what an unhealthy process resents because his/her world is sucked in from everyone and everything external. Gaslighting is serious exploitation working at its peak to emotional disorientate and confuse. It erodes as it eats away at our perception of reality slowly but surely, our boundaries, word by word, action by action are annihilated since an unhealthy process doesn't recognise we are a separate being. Perhaps believing we are an extension to them somehow, a clone of him/her, we exist to meet their needs. Whilst they manage down our expectations, whilst expectations of us are high in that we WILL fulfil their every whim. Gaslighting is emotionally distressing at its best, it disorientates, confuses, makes us edgy, we might feel we are 'losing it', over time we find difficulty in making decisions and no longer trust our own judgement. We no longer feel good enough, minimised, second guessing our self and everyone else a lot! We are systematically broken down they are one hundred and fifty shades of the darker behaviours of life.
Its possible to begin to no longer see ourself as strong and independent since our self-esteem is been eroded slowly but surly by these unhealthy behaviours.
To people who have never experienced such behaviour it may perhaps be difficult to understand the wider impact this sort of behaviour can have on another. To the person who has suffered the impact of such an unhealthy process in a relationship with someone they love, no explanations is needed
Here I AM
Egotistical - He soon gets bored and needs 'NEW' all the time, this might be the latest technology, always changing their surroundings decorating, new furniture when what already has is good enough. They will also need new supply from other victims and he's scouting for new at all time. Very sensitive to any questioning or criticism constructive or otherwise since they are right at all times, so why you have a need to question their behaviour or question what he says is beyond him. He can't control us if we are questioning, this is another way they manage down our expectations by causing an argument when we question, so we stop questioning not only him, but we stop questioning altogether because it seems to cause such conflict! Of course to a rational thinking human being questioning is how we grow, develop and learn. When one is unhealthy in this way s/he doesn't want anything to do with growth, learning or development unless it gives him knowledge on how to manipulate. NEVER FORGET ITS ALL ABOUT HIM OR HER never us as individuals; although s/he will say it is all about 'you'. He may even say I thought I'd ring you since you are good for my ego he is that arrogant, because he feels safe in the fact that he knows his game and we don't so he can be very blatant and he's relishing in the fact he knows the games he's playing and we don't. Secrets he hold about how s/she is treating you and others. He has his own personal secret going on all the time on repeat like a broken record, at all times, so he smiles smugly to himself. As he sucks his victims in we oblige as we admire, praise, affirm him like a faithful puppy. He however has manipulated how the conversation will go so his ego is well fed. If you reflect upon conversations with this person over time you will see the pattern, they hardly every ask you about you, your day or your health, when he does it will be well calculated to ensure he keeps you hooked, (dosing) the overall focus of course will have and will be on him. He will have magical thinking seeing self as perfect, which entitles them to have what they want, when he want and from who s/he want. The amusement creates a "new normal" which has set the 'abusive cycle' and cycle of "Idolize, Devalue and Discard". Expecting us to read their mind but of course no one can read another's mind, we can read others behaviour that is all we can do but since he is so inconsistent in word and deed we can't ever get any stability within a relationship with a person with an unhealthy process. A relationship with a person with such a process is extremely complicated and complex it is really difficult to get to know them on any real lever.
Sweat
Silent Treatment - The silent treatment is delivered to punish us for something we probably don't even know about, being ignored by someone we love cuts to our bones and into our Soul. To be ignored and abandoned by a person we love Is the most destructive withdrawal in any relationship. It demoralize, controls, punishes, frustrates, disempowers the person on the receiving end, It is cold, calculating and evokes intense emotions in the partner who may feel invisible, alone, lonely, unworthy, guilty, shamed, ashamed, rejected and abandoned. A person utilising the silent treatment are at their most infantile, the child who sulks, the child who takes his ball home, the girl who says I'll scream and scream and scream until I am sick or pulls your hair and says I won't, I won't, I won't. To the person deploying the silent treatment silence is golden but to the receiver it is anything but, it feels like hell on earth. Their vile thunderous angry silence is heavy, thick and cuts through our very being with vengeful intimidation; it feels like "Soul murder" it cuts deep into our being-ness reducing us to someone we do not recognise as our self - it hurts, its painful, its mind blowing.
In an unhealthy process often brings feeling of being envious of others or beliefs that others are envious
of him or her.
REFLECTION
Would anyone loving in any real, deep and authentic
way use behaviours towards me like this?
Would I lie to You? The person with the unhealthy process is avoiding whilst embracing our painful emotions which s/he evokes by their behaviour, it is the ultimate in denial and avoidance and it evokes a great deal of pain. Trying to break us with this weapon of destruction through emotional confusion, disorientation and instability. Teaching us a lesson only they know we need, teaching us to get stressed to the max in a nano second and keeping it up to ensure our stress is raised and stays raised so he can revel in our misery. Punishing us for needing anything; what is really being taught is our needs are insignificant and of course secondary to his, hers, we didn't ought to have any needs because s/he will punish us when we do. When delivering the silent treatment we simply do not exist in their world, we are invisible, she is punishing us with silence making us feel worthless, hopeless and unworthy of love or affection. This is also another way to manage down our expectations of the relationship. Don't expect anything from him because if we do we will be punished. Silent treatment is cruel, cold disempowering, lonely, designed to make us frozen and afraid as he's one up and we are one down and that's exactly where they want us, down, depressed, anxious so when he returns we are so relieved they are talking to us again, we will forgive, accept him or her and anything they do or say because we're being acknowledge once more, we exist we will do anything not to have a repeat of the silence but he will no matter what we do or don't do since it's piece- de- resistance in their behaviour!
In my experience all human beings are equal, fluid and have potential, with change being inevitable, as with all information & theory it is not fact. We can choose to look towards our own experiencing of living to aid our personal understanding. Whilst remaining open, taking on board thoughts and experience of others and pondering upon information offered this could bring about our personal emotional health and overall well-being , if that is our personal desire.
REFLECTION
Do I feel inadequate, unworthy of love or invisible when interacting with anyone in my life?
REFLECTION
Am I OK?
Chasing Cars
Reverse psychology - "The Gentleman doth protest too much" - What he says he wants and what he doesn't want is reversed if he wants that supervisory position, the new car, the management position, power or control what he will say is he doesn't want that position, power or control, its too much trouble or it will take a lot of time up. He will relish as others encourage him to take that position saying "you're the best man for the job" he will be laying it on even thicker "I don't think I can do it". When he says he doesn't want "anything to do with power, power has never done me any good" don't believe. We all need our own power and control which is authentic for us to survive. The more they say they don't want something the more he wants, especially if it's a powerful position he will be working away with his manipulation to get it; using all the tools in his arsenal and we are manipulated into helping him get it whilst he clambers over everyone's back to get where he wants to be. If someone has been in the job role or charity position for years no matter if s/he wants that position they will get that person out and blame the person for everything they hurt for, saying they brought it on their self. BUT he will have manipulated everyone (flying monkeys) around them so he gets his own way, he will be pointing out everyone else's weaknesses to justify his behaviour to himself and everyone else. If people don't agree with him then he will launch a smear campaign against them saying they are a collaborator of the one he's trying to oust. His goal is to obtain the position of power because this is the best seat in the house where he can control everything and everyone around them. Whilst he smiles and is significant smug inside himself for a job well done. Like a 'groupie' of a band we are transfixed by their charisma, Mr Nice Guy stance, their public persona, but under their mask we are under their wing in a trance. This is perhaps the 'why' cult leaders 'take in' their followers! But be clear not all are as open as to built a separate cult they live, work and breath amongst us and manipulate away ... rather think globally but act locally! Sounds rather farfetched doesn't it to be real?
Reflections
Do I have an icky feeling when around anyone?
Or a sense that keeps nudging me all is not as clear as it seems?
When Doves Cry
Double standards & Double Meaning - Unhealthy process will have double standards a set of rules for him and one for us as his victim. What he expects of us is not what he does, what he says and how he behaves. "Do as I say and not what I do", is the motto. He will not be the same with us in private as he is when we are in public or within a group and may even ignore us altogether if we appear in the same group as each other. If we protest he will say something like "if you wanted to talk to me then why didn't you?" Notice he will question you but offer no answer to your questions or answer your question with a question. He will 'shout' about his/her high morals and ethics in public but in private will break every single one of them. He will impress upon everyone his high moral standards and transparency in public to 'keep the image' of the righteous and upstanding citizen they want us all to see them as. Whilst in private with his victims whilst 'demanding' your transparency he will act the opposite and may even say "I don't care" of course he has shouted about his moral high standards for so long that his "I don't care is laughed off as him being a bit frivolous or being a bit naughty in the moment only. Since first impressions have a strong impact upon us. Us as victim will be experiencing "Cognitive Dissonance" and be confused at the behaviour which doesn't match his words, so we will settle with what we already believe about him i.e. he's an upstanding citizen. We won't see his 'naughtiness' as his real character because for the majority of the time he will be known and seen as an up standing model citizen. He may even say "I can't love anybody" and that will be so alien to someone who is loving, caring and affectionate because you can't even begin to believe that anyone 'can't actually love' .... BUT be clear caught up in this unhealthy process and way of being a person seems to actually be incapable of loving, fairness or equality of any form. The "I don't care", I can't love" Is the default character, it is who they 'perceive' they are inside and they really do not care one iota about us or anyone else other than self, at that time. This is perhaps the 'why' majority of people find it difficult to 'believe' victims of abuse since what they are presented with is a victim who is dithery, anxious, upset, depressed maybe suffering a mental illness shouting out loud. Pitted against a cool calm and calculated person, who are we going to believe? Someone who you have never seen put a foot wrong in public against a person who is known to have a turbulent history or who is seen as someone who makes up stories or has been spurned? See why we may have been chosen as a source for this manipulation?
Always be open and interested to both sides of the coin!
Refection
How open am I to possibilities in general?
At the centre of a person with these type of behaviours is a very low self-esteem so low they need to protect self from being exposed at all costs, which evokes many of these negative behaviours. For fear they might be literally annihilated so they become dominant and manipulative to protect self! This is not a good place to be!
Empathic people would rather hurt themselves rather than another and so this is how we bounce well with a person with an unhealthy process. Opposites attract! . They use that knowledge on the devaluing and discard roundabouts. Blaming, shaming instilling guilt and creating self-doubt so we question ourselves instead of them "is it me"? It must be since someone who loves me wouldn't treat me like this! Right?
Reflections
Am I being kind or unkind to self and others?
Are the words I speak enriching and supportive to my self and others?
Love The Way You Lie
Rage & Anger - within the unhealthy process somewhere along the path the person will show victims anger often this is another way they control us and evokes our angst. It will be our fault of course as he flies into a rage because we will have 'injured' him, known as a ˜narcissistic injury' and 'narcissistic rage. S/he may even tell us, "you've injured me"; it won't make sense to us because we may have said something he didn't like; or questioned him and we won't know what we've have 'supposed' to have done. But s/he feels at risk of being exposed. One of his biggest fears is the world will see his real self and he will be rejected and abandoned the very things he does repeatedly to victims. He doesn't have the capacity to turn his anger or rage into assertiveness which is perhaps what evokes the passive aggressive behaviours which confuse us; he can't find the middle ground. When he's passive he feels vulnerable and victimised from his original injury in childhood and shamed and ashamed. When he's aggressive he feels powerful and in control. We however feel scared of what we see and it is the direct opposite of Mr nice guy. If the rage doesn't work, they will pour on the pity party, using some of past genuine hurt, its perhaps easier to believe what they say. Since it's difficult to argue with someone who was adopted, lost a loved one, or was the victim of an alcoholic parent when we haven't experienced any of these in our lifetime. Or if we have our deep emotional feelings will be evoked and cause us pain in our feeling empathic for someone else misery on top of what is projected and transferred, whilst feeding into our trauma bond, deepening the bond with this particular person because the good cop bad cop bonds. Its all about patterns of behaviour for both us and the person deploying the unhealthy process, both bouncing off one another, these patterns will go on forever until someone steps of the merry-go-round and it isn't going to be the known unhealthy one because they seem incapable of doing so, any unhealthy behaviours need acknowledging as so, before any change can even be thought about. Before any healing is sought! Its not their fault but neither is it ours, we can't help them because we are so very emotionally invested in the relationship at very deep level. Reflection - is it time to help my self?
Strangers On The Shore
Devalue - There are no words to describe the pain as the devaluation and discarding gets under way. Everything once offered is now withdrawn as the core of cruelty is projected and spit out. This is a very painful time for the victim, the path we have been walking is full of eggshells and splinters from all the other times we have been devalued and discarded. They will use sarcasm, anger, gaslighting, smear campaigns to discredit and devalue our worth. As we are presented with a venomous snake, where once we were friends and lovers now we are the arch enemy and we won't have changed a thing. Someone we thought we knew is now a stranger. It doesn't matter what we do or say, don't do or say we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't. Whatever we do or say will be used against us as 'justification' for behaviour as they turn into the opposite of what we've known and believe them to be.
The person with the unhealthy process can dish it out but can't take it; don't get me wrong none of us like to be criticised or told we are wrong. We might withdraw or retreat into victim mode for a while. But the person with unhealthy process are highly sensitive to anything which might sound like criticism. Have strong reactive behaviours and may cause an explosive argument defending that fragile self that lives within. This is known as 'narcissist rage' once seen never forgotten, the explosion is to throw us away from them back onto us, to blame us for suggesting they are wrong.
How can they be wrong when they are superior! Almost certainly a silent treatment will be used to control us once again once the rage has subsided. This evokes empathic souls to tread on eggshells and to say nothing for fear of the werewolf showing its teeth again.
Believing he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people. So once we're on the discard path they see us as less than them. No longer special or unique.
Cognitive empathy is used to get to know our weaknesses and vulnerabilities; cognitive empathy is different to emotional empathy in that it collects the 'perspective', the 'outlook' of others. Emotional empathy on the other hand 'feels' with another, sharing what another feels. Whereas cognitive empathy simply is putting our self into another shoes without engaging in their feeling. Cognitive empathy understands how others think, sees the others point of view, but it stops short of feeling what another is feeling. They ' get us' but they don't care about us in the way emotional empathy does ; cognitive empathy is part of the mirroring skills in the love bombing stage and the devaluing and discard cycles of behaviours.
Discard - will use our most painful emotional and psychological hurts, those things they supported us with in the past and we wholeheartedly trustingly shared. He will be heaping guilt, shame, evoking any and everything he can to cause you distress. S/he will be triangulating us with another supply to evoke jealousy in us using the wife, the husband, the partner, a new supply or an old supply he's hoovering back in. The third person may not be a another love but a relative, mother, father, sibling, child whilst he's creating competition and jealousy in all the others he will be sat back basking in the 'fight' over him, her, real or imagined. Discarding us like an old sock; they won't look back to us until they want something from us. Or this may be the final discard and we will never be contacted again or we're left running after them, texting, emailing and phoning but they won't answer our calls. We'll be described as a stalker, needy or a psycho! We're not sure if we're going insane at this point! But be clear we are not we have been manipulated to thinking its all our fault and to blame. Relationships are made up of two halves so the most anyone can be to blame for if blame is to be apportioned is 50% nothing less nothing more! However, in a relationship with one half unhealthy, whilst we play our part by staying in the relationship and tolerating this behaviour, be clear in this relationship it is always 100% me, me, me as thy deflect, project and transfer their original injury, hurts, pain, guilt and shame outwards towards anyone who will absorb it so they don't have to deal with it because they can't tolerate any hurt or pain at all. So ' here you have it' is the motto. You can gage how the unhealthy person might feel by the way they evoke our feelings however they don't 'feel' these feelings because they are transferred and projected out towards other.
Be clear all behaviour tells us something about the person behaving
Love like This
Be clear this person is creating fear, uncertainty and co-dependency and dependency, knocking us off balance, evoking anxiety this has nothing to do with 'love' and everything to do with the needs of the person behaving. Sadly all this negative destructive behaviour will wear the most patient person down. When it comes to getting their needs met they have the patience of a saint, playing the long game until they discard us for the last time and they will, if we're not married to them. If we are married to a person with an unhealthy process they are more than likely emotionally unavailable to us. Eventually this can lead to a nervous breakdown and/or suicidal ideation. If we've been around Narcissists all our life we may have or had a tendency to have a desire for death or wish we were dead BUT be clear the unhealthy process and behaviours used towards us will have ˜drove" us to this way of thinking. Drove us to this anxious mess by twisting, turning, ignoring, intermittent silent treatment, stonewalling, reward and punishment, gaslighting, idolize, trauma bonding, levelling, devalue and discard. The walls of your boundaries will now be keeping us inside our self asking, longing for their love, it won't come, from them, they will seem to kick us when we are down, (some literally), to evoke the maximum suffering. We might be crying, confused, ill and the more we are ill or distressed they will step up the manipulation to create the fear of abandonment and/or actually abandon us when you need him or her the most. S/he is contemptuous and arrogant in their attempt to minimalize our self-worth, worthiness and value; they dump their shame on us because they are unable to process it themselves because s/he can't own it so pass it like a hot potato. Be clear we are a container for their negative feelings, thoughts and behaviour!
As the lyrics by RY X say "Let it all go .....cause love like this won't Grow" it can't because it is not love in any shape or form, even in our relating when its at its best and when its at its worst, any of these wildest moments , sadly whether we want to admit it to our self or not we are addicted to the unhealthy Narcissist and all which betrayal bonds and addictions offer - we need to heal from to find our self and to live a life which includes authentic love and peace - because we are love, loveable, valuable as a unique person in our own and we owe our self love, affection, kindness, compassion and a rich full happy life!
Chaos brings movement to whatever is stagnant in your life. Stagnation leads to apathy, numbness, illness, suffering, etc. Be thankful for the situations in your life that may seem chaotic in the present moment, and realize that, in the greater scheme of things, chaos is Spirit giving you an opportunity… or possibly pushing you to move, grow, and be in the flow.”
Alaric Hutchinson, Living Peace: Essential Teachings for Enriching Life
Be CLEAR - The light that will eventually guide us home is our own light because that is what we are actually seeing in the beginning its not the unhealthy person's inner light since they are mirroring us, holding the mirror of our self up for us to see our self perhaps for the first time. But we recognise this as 'falling in love' since we don't know any different!
So with that thought can you 'see' how magnificent you are?
See how beautiful, warm, calm and wonderfully delightful you are in a very healthy way?
The good news is, we CAN heal and move forward into a happy, balanced and peaceful life without manipulation and distressing behaviour involved. Yes it is possible even after being besotted with an emotional unavailable human being for a long time even maybe 10/20/30/40 or more years.
They live in the purple rain so wish them well on their path forwards and …..
BELIEVE - Believe in yourself!
Contact me today to end your struggles, to gain understanding and empowerment
In my experience all human beings are equal, fluid and have potential, with change being inevitable, as with all information & theory it is not fact, it is possibilities not probabilities. We can choose to look towards our own experiencing of living to aid our personal understanding. Whilst remaining open, taking on board thoughts and experience of others and pondering upon information offered this could bring about our personal emotional health and overall well-being , if that is our personal desire.