top of page

Ode to Suicide

I sit on this bed

Shaking from head to foot

Be still body, what's a foot?

I don’t know what’s

Wrong

Other than this world is a sham

 

I think these thoughts

That all are OK, will be OK

If but for me

I don’t know what’s

Wrong

I guess this is me

 

I’ve sat here for weeks

Shaking and a rocking

Does no one care

I don’t know what’s

Wrong

Perhaps it’s me

 

I hear someone

On the stairs
Shhhh noise, be still

I don’t know what’s

Wrong

I’ve got to thinking it’s me

 

They speak, I don’t hear

Jumbled words bouncing off

Into dirty thin air, it’s pretty weird

I don’t know what’s

Wrong

I sense it’s been me all along

 

So here I am, full on

Hope hath scattered

Only pain remains

Now I feel what’s

Wrong

Its ME!

 

I can see clearly,

here and now, the point is,

I’ve nothing to lose

When your wrong

It’s all full on, life I mean

Don’t worry

I know it’s me

 

I’m no one, I’m powerless,

I’m done, freedom awaits,

Just one last hurdle then

Life can have its way

Lord take my Heart

 retrieve my  Soul

as I swim through deaths valley

​

 Homeward bound

 hand in hand

 with untraveled defeat 

 

SJS 1998

“Come sit down beside me I said to myself,  And although it doesn’t makes sense,I held my own hand,  As a small sign of trust

 And together I sat on the fence.”

 

Michael Leunig

“This is the song, that none can sing, this is the gift the old Gods bring, sung this once as the Soul takes wing, in the emptiness of night.  Here is the powerlessness of speech, the letting go that none can teach, the song of things beyond our reach.  Singing to its own light”  

Felix Dennis ..

"In the eye of this storm.  All around is peace.  The sun is shining.  I'm glad, I feel, Its hard to die, when the moon  and the stars try to break one, down, yet here is my sun, shining like stars just for me.  I'm alone on this highway, this one way street but I'm so glad, you know, since if you were here or anyone for that matter you, they'd talk, chatter endlessly about how to fix me, how good life is, how good life can be, and how I have umpteen reasons to be alive and how I don't want to be me ... right now.   But Me is all I really have.  All any of us have.  I'm vexed in a mess, compressed so I can't see the umpteen you see with such clarity, or me for that matter.   Only the ump, the hurdles, the fog and smog, time speeds up inside my head, there's no gap between then and now,  no space, no time.  Yet here I am the passive  rain cloud and the blazing sun all rolled into one.  I am a million drops of dew, the spray, the essence of something new about to be undone.  I am the storm, I am a bird, The eye of my storm sings loud and clear.  Everyone would tell me its only darkness, its rain, your rainbow awaits when for me its all unadorned excruciating fear and pain, in here I see the light, feel the sheer joy of the painless glimmer, shimmering across the plane, so now I know what I need do.  Fly, fly little bird towards your sun, your freedom awaits then you can be  you, somewhere over  your very own rainbow....  flying high, higher, higher.    Adieu adieu ... 

 SJS 1998

I see your pain ... I read your dualities and I feel your pain, your confusion.   I see you struggling and I see you trying to break free from what has you gripped and I feel your pain intensify as you try to get a grip.  The more you struggle the tighter the grip becomes. I see a partition between us; once upon a time it was dark, black but now it is clear and transparent, I can see you through the partition, I see you struggling to find a way out to come out from behind the blockades that keep you hide, I see you trying to come out from behind the mass.   I am on the other side struggling too, watching you struggling, there is no way in for me I have used all my energy trying to get behind the glass barrier trying to show you something, I am sat defeated and yet …….. I know if I give you the answers clear with clarity they will not be your answers and you may find an easy way out.  But I know that way will only be a temporary way into a smaller room where you will eventually not be able to be free at all and the struggle will begin again.  I have a hammer but I know if I break the glass for you, you and me will never be the same again.  So I am on the other side of the glass partition which keeps you in and me out, we can see each other but not touch each other.  I drop slowly to the ground crying tears streaming down my face I wait ... I wait for you to find a way out I hold out my hand for you to see I point to a key which is on your side of the barrier the key will, once in your hand make a door appear as if by magic for you to use to open the door, so you can come out from behind the glass wall so we can sit, recuperate our energies, so we can sit side by side and explore what keeps the barrier there for you .... With arms out stretched ... I wait ... I wait ...  SJS .....

bottom of page