Subtle behaviour of the person with an unhealthy process
Behaviours which are so subtle they are under the radar and may go unnoticed or be accepted as 'normal'
Levelling - Someone utilising an unhealthy process wants us down to their level so we are the ones who explodes whilst they sit back and enjoy the show. Then they can justify their self because we're the one now being a drama queen, but they has frustrated us to the max and the inevitable 'explosion' will erupt naturally as we are pushed and pushed. Levelling is a glib manipulation tactic on their behalf to avoid responsibility, it is also a technique which helps the person 'feel' they have some sort of value and beliefs and their values are equal in their statue and character but they are not at the time of utilising this unhealthy process. They are often contemptuous and disregard others values whilst also at the same time 'pretending' to own them.
Sarcasm - The lowest form of wit some would say. Sarcasm can be used as a defence mechanism since it deflects the intense emotions away from their core self onto the person being attacked. The distain is actually about their own self but its too damaging for them to accept their distain of themselves so out it gets thrown as it goes like a yo yo up and down and out towards others. Sarcasm is also another way to convey contempt for the other person whilst subtly silently mocking and sneering them inwardly.
Borrowing without asking - Borrows all our values, beliefs, dreams and wishes, none of what is mirrored back to us belongs to them. They seem incapable of owning a moral compass and needs to copy exactly from others to appear with a semblance of 'normal', they expect the highest of standard from us those standards that would make one perfect; of course no one is or can be, the task is impossible. We are set up to fail by their expectation of the impossible from others and offers the fanciful from him/her do as I say not as I do behaviour.
Commitment Phobic - People with an unhealthy process fear real intimacy and when they do get too close they fear they will be engulfed and sent to oblivion as such their behaviour will result in us getting devalued. It seems because they can't have what we have and the silent treatment with ensue so they can withdraw and put distance between us. Of course the silent treatment will follow because you've had an argument that has us to blame because they need to justify this withdrawal from you they can't hold the responsibility for their self so they blame you and doing so justifies this withdrawal and silent treatment to themselves.
Pretending - The person with the unhealthy behaviours seems to be the greatest pretender of them all, akin to the great OZ in the Wizard of OZ, The person will act all naïve, or as if they don't know what they are doing, all innocent and childlike. They do not have any real feelings of their own other than what seems to be the negative, so when they say they feel guilty, sorry for something they have been caught out doing, upset etc. they don't mean it, since it seems they can't feel that particular emotion, so how can they be remorseful, really sorry or be guilty? They feel entitled and they are always right in their mind no matter how we point out they are not, they are unable to see their behaviour as unhealthy. If we complained about someone else doing to us what they do to us they can see how bad that behaviour is, they will more than likely protect you from that 'bad seed'. Unfortunately they can't see how their own behaviour impacts upon us or others when they do the same things. It won't matter how many times we point out their behaviour if they and you can get past the narcissistic injury they will experience because they will see you as criticising, judging, pulling them down, nagging and a whole host of other negatives, they are unable to see their own mistakes and as such can't change them! Its a sorry state to be in isn't it!
Word salad - Sometime the response to a conversation we've just had or on email or text is totally mismatched to what we conveyed. They are playing us like a game of scrabble, they usually are not saying anything at all of value what they are doing is keeping us in their 'zone' keeping us preoccupied so we don't have the time or inclination to see what is really going on. Our mind is kept busy so our thoughts are spinning trying to work out what they meant or trying to find some sense of what has been said. Second guessing, cognitive dissonance and confusion keeps us away from the reality of the situation. When we think we've worked something out they will start discussing it again as if for the first time and the subsequent conversations on the subject will not even be acknowledge. So we doubt our self once again and question 'didn't we have a conversation about this not so long ago and you said? What ever you concluded in the conversation they will now believe the opposite of what was said before or she swears we've never ever discussed this topic before. So here we are again questioning our own sanity, what they're really doing is making excuses, bringing up the past, our mistakes but never her/his, seemingly many persona's that don't know what the other said or did, accusing is something they use time and time again. This is known as circular conversations and also consists of the following.
Manipulates through threats 'I'll leave you if you .... I'll kill myself if you ....., or reverse psychology and say's I'm not suicidal if that's what you're asking ……….. We didn't ask or even think about that but now we start to think and ponder on the thought, Another thing to worry about; in the main though this is all about focusing our thoughts on something which may not happen but they want our thoughts tied up in him/her. Doesn't matter what we are thinking so long the focus of our thoughts are on them in one way or another. Or on self-doubting our self or second-guessing or mindreading them ;neither of which works or healthy for us.
All manipulation to keep our 'there' thinking and worrying about him or her so deflecting away from what's really taking place.
Walking on eggshells We don't know what to say or do a lot of the time especially if frequent rage or anger is a feature, we don't want to upset him/her but yet upsets us all the time! Or we avoid doing or saying things because it's easier not to do or say because we don't want the fallout from our saying or doing. Either way they've won in the manipulation stakes turning us into the person they want not the person we want to be. They want us insecure and is always breaking down our confidence to ensure we are there for them when they want. It seems they want us dependant on them without a mind of our own because this suits to pick us up and drop us when it suits. Be clear they are devaluing us ready for yet another discard, flicked away like nothing. But also be clear we are of value and valuable otherwise they wouldn't have picked us!
People with unhealthy behaviours can present their selves as arrogantly self-righteous and defensive. Needing to protect their overblown but fragile ego, their inner toddler is very vigilant turning on their defense system. So they can be flying into a rage at seemingly nothing to us, but to them they will have received what is known as a 'narcissist injury'. Their rage will look frightening, like a bull in a china shop destroying every thing in its path verbally and sometimes physically. The perpetual drama queen, for what you will be blamed for starting and causing. The war of words will be cutting and meant to pull you down to their level and keep you there!
Word salad is a repetitious none logical and disjointed conversation that goes round and round in circles; going no where, in other words brainwashing their victims. This keeps us confused, self-doubting and controlled, it is used to blame whilst deny their faults. To maintain their skewed way of being they have to blame and shame others, in order to exonerate themselves. Since they need to always prove themselves right therefore the other must be wrong! Because they can't be!
Explaining - You find yourself explaining yourself why you believe what you believe and explaining basic human emotions how they work, what they are such as empathy, kindness, human dignities. I concluded with a person I was engaged with they just didn't use their skills with me and I could see, sense and felt it was just with me, with everyone else they were this kind, empathic, generous person. So I concluded it was me that was all wrong this was the cause on my cognitive dissonance, my self-doubting and me questioning my sanity, worth and human value. Its very subtle because the mind doesn't process what the eyes and ears can see and hear! I used to think am I going out of my mind? Questioning if I couldn't be understood by this significant person in my life I must be all wrong, stupid and defective. Being understood by this significant person to me was crucial to my well-being at the time HE KNEW THIS and used it against me time and time again. How wrong could I have been! Eventually I discovered I didn't need to be understood by anyone else but for me, 'just me' to understand myself.. We become our own worst enemy and they feed us with all this and more so we stay this way because it suits their poisonous agenda, that of us being there when they want and all our energy being used for them.
Dogma -- In the beginning they take and use all your values, beliefs, and personal moral qualities to love bomb and idolised us and when it suits turn all these against us and tell us it's not good to ˜know' when we know we are closed! He will withdraw all he said to you and twist your values, belief's and 'truths' and tell you they are absolutes and 'dogma' you shouldn't think in this way 'the world according to ………. I heard several times. BUT we all live in the world according to our own values, beliefs and personal moral qualities if we didn't we would all live in chaos with no real structure or qualities to our living! See the resemblance to the unhealthy world they living in since we have values, beliefs and personal moral qualities we have some sort of stability and foundation from which to reach out into the world, explore, review, reflect, develop and grow. This was built when we were toddlers in the attachment phase of our development. So they 'level' the playing field but he's not raising up to your level he's bringing you down to his at every opportunity available.
Eternal Victim - The unhealthy person will always be the victim of every argument, every critic, and every life event which is shared with others, their pain, uncomfortableness their upset will be sadder, more painful and more traumatic then any one else involved. Not you or anyone else will be the victim it doesn't matter you may have experienced and/or shared in the same trauma as them their experience however will be worse then yours. It won't matter that they cheat, lie, twist and turn, it will be them who they see as the victim especially if you point out any of their bad behaviour at the same time like 'not caring' They may say 'well at least I didn't' or 'well its been said what we don't like in ourselves we often see in another, so glad you are able to see the negative in yourself as well as the good'. Meaning that you are the one projecting onto them. They are aiming to make you believe it is you and not them by blaming you rather than owning the bad behaviour they are very good at turning things round onto you so they exonerate themselves at all times. They are not unhealthy you are in their world! Usually because you want something from them, like love, affection and emotional availability. If all else fails they will communicate using their real and genuine traumas in their life so you will 'feel sorry' for them remember it's all about them not you, so they are the real and only victims in life. No one is as traumatised as them no one else who has suffered a trauma is on the same level of traumatisation as they are, they believe they are hurt the most and no one can feel as hurt as them!
Competition - A favourite for them because they need to be right at all times, they needs to win at all times otherwise they can't be right! They are in perpetual competition in all area's of their living. They will accuse you of what they are actually doing to you, seeing someone else, having sex with someone else, having an affair, telling you, you are the one who is jealous of them, you are a liar, you are the one who is mistaken, mad, crazy, confused, an idiot, unintelligent, fat. They are not bashful they will use everything they can think of to provoke a reaction from you, so you can then be blamed. Using your past history and tell you, you're the one who doesn't like men, when he's a Misogynist (hater of woman) and you're the one who is argumentative. They will be cool, calm and collected but patronising and condescending. Focus and remember it's perfectly normal to react defensively when you are being accused of something, being judged or called names; you've not even thought of let alone done. THEY KNOW THIS and they initiate the argument so they can suck up our misery and pain and you will be the only one apologising and making promises to change, make amends. While he is gaining great pleasure from all your efforts because your attention is on him not you, he uses these conversations like a competition and one he must win at all costs. He does win because he's set you up to fail every time and him to win! Its very clever when you sit and think about it like a clockwork precise machine with all pistons firing at the same time. But at the same time it is very painful for the receiver.
Shirk responsibility - they cannot take responsibility for anything they say or do. It will always be our fault, the neighbors, the children’s, the work colleague the cat or the dog, anybody but themselves. It will be our fault we are hurt by them because we are not 'clever' enough to ‘see' them for what they actually are, therefore we will have put our self in this position and left our self open to being hurt by them. As such the unhealthy one can't be blamed can they it’s not their responsibility for what we do is it! They will more than likely say something along the lines of "how are you going to choose to feel today" the ultimate arrogance and contempt of us since no one actually chooses how they are going to feel, we can 'choose' how we are going to 'respond' to our feelings but feeling are innate and spontaneous in my experience. We on the other hand are so busy thinking to our self I don't 'chose' how I'm going to feel, so attention is taken away once again from them as we feel confused, self-doubting and upset, because no one does actually choose their feelings, Feelings are evoked by a stimulus which thy are very happy to provide and blame us when they have deliberately hurt us. They’ll tell us; you shouldn’t feel that way or need for that matter, they imply our needs are wrong and in all cases our needs will be subservient to theirs. Remember in this unhealthy process and way of thinking love is not a feeling which is open to them so they have no concept of what loving someone is, however they do know how to hurt, manipulate and cause confusion they are masters at it, because they mirror love and affection they are the greatest pretenders. We can however choose what to do with our feelings once evoked, with time and effort we can become emotionally intelligent, make informed decision and choices for ourselves.
They Lie - When do you know when they lying? Every time they open their mouths. Full stop.
Don't believe a word they say because it will always be a lie.
Acceptance - The thing he wants and craves the most in his world is to be accepted for who he is and all his behaviour will reflect this. To you or I his behaviour is as opposite as a person can get to being accepted, deeply accepted by another because all he does is creates drama, upset and pain for others which drives them further and further away from him or her. Once we have discovered we are in love with someone who uses a lot of these behaviours in their interacting with us, we can choose to stop playing their games, stop feeding their ego with our whole self and get some distance between us, find our own answers to what made us stay, heal, grow and develop. Build our self-esteem, confidence, resiliency and self-efficacy. Once we have regained our balance and autonomy practice congruence with our self, we will be able to offer the person we thought we loved, the acceptance they so crave with depth empathy, compassion and real love. The sad thing is though unless they too have healed they won't want it or you still because you will now be an independent and strong woman or man the opposite of what he, she needs to feed their ego. So you will become boring to them like a dead mouse and be seen as exiting as a grey rock so they will pass us over for someone who is more enthralling ....... just like we used to be in the beginning!
Offer and hold your love, empathy and compassion anyway for them as you wish them well on their life journey. As you travel forward onto your Path Of Peace and find the love you also have always craved. Its out there!
Yet perhaps you've always had it all along and didn't know!!!!!!!
To your magnificent mental and emotional wealth always