top of page

Suicide an understanding 

Death is a still a taboo in our modern age where life in the fast lane is all about living, consumerism, I want, I want, what happened to ‘need’ in all this want?  Death is as much a part of living and life as breathing, eating and sleeping is.  It is beyond comprehension to believe in our societies today death is still very much the elephant in the room.   This none talking about death is not healthy for any of us and keeps it hidden when in reality someone is dying right now and someone somewhere will die every minute of every day its a natural progression of our human condition ... sadly.

Death is not indiscriminate each and every one of us will die at some point!  Yet when it happens it is surrounded and met with fear, the unmentionable, the thing that we all know about but won’t and don't want to talk about it seems.  The grief which is sent underground and hidden away, whilst we all know it exists, we all know it happens, we all experience the death of our loved ones until one day we will experience our own demise.  It's not a nice subject to talk about but ........

 

Add death by suicide the bereaved find themselves in the midst of a volcanic eruption, in the main left to cope alone once the funeral has taken place.  The grief response following a suicide is particularly intense, fraught with difficulty and often deeply despairing as the question why seems to take over and take on a life of its own for a long time to come.  If your loved one died of cancer, a natural disaster or through  long illness then we have something to blame. 

 

When someone completes suicide there is not one thing which our blame, anger and despair can be directed to.   This complicates the grieving process making it intensely complex since the person we think has the answer to our why has taken it with them.  Sadly the person completing suicide probably doesn't have the answer either other than they felt or thought ending their life was the best thing for them to do at that moment.  

 

We are left unable to have hope of ever finding the answer we want and need to help us understand the reason that brought about such devastating action.  We can end up putting the blame at our own feet when in all likelihood we are not to blame, how can we be?

 

The chosen method of death i.e. suicide and the way the person chose to end their life can leave bereaved loved one's with intense emotions of  fear, guilt and shame and many question themselves about the idea of the why they didn't spot any signs of what was to come, yet how could you have known?  And what would you be looking for? 

Grief is felt in the deepest core of a persons’ Being when they have lost someone they love through death

No one is to blame when someone chose to end their own life by completing  suicide. 

This is a  personal choice for that individual.   Ending your own life is a decision a person makes when they can't see any other way. 

 

It can never be the only way! 

 

The act of suicide is an illogical choice to you or I.

 

Built upon a complex web of emotions which are illogical but to the person in the illogical zone teetering  on this edge seem to be perfectly rational and makes full sense! 

It is extremely soul destroying and nerve racking to know your loved one is ill and may take their own life, these people  live walking on eggshell wondering if its today or this afternoon or tomorrow this is enough to send someone down the road of the nervous breakdown.  You may feel a depth of  anger you can't and don't want to acknowledge someone you love actually chose to end their own life and leave you with the after mass.  

 

You may feel a sense of relief if your loved one have been threatening this end for some time and this is absolutely normal, this may be quickly replaced with guilt, shame.   You may feel rejected and abandoned by them, you may feel lost, alone, lonely and you may feel you do not have a future.   Mostly in the beginning you will feel nothing the shock of hearing such news knocks out all emotions your own psyche protecting itself. 

 

Ending your life by suicide is also complex and traumatic for the person contemplating the act, for them perhaps the fear of death and the unknown may be less than the known life, the imagined life and how they can live.  

 

What we may need to think about is the person is not thinking logically and for those I have supported who have been on this edge have expressed they truly believe their loved one's will be better off without them or that their loved ones will be OK or free  whatever OK or free may mean to the person expressing. 

 

In the beginning of my supporting others I have been silenced by the sheer depth of belief, the way the person on this edge has totally convinced themselves their loved ones will be better once they are dead.  Stunned by the thinking errors they express, the belief that they are a burden to others especially those they love and those loved ones would be better off without them, this one fact alone couldn't be further from the truth for their loved ones.  These thoughts lead to a sense of a lack of belonging and a depth of hopelessness and the loss of purpose all add to their despair.  Which somehow convinces them they are doing the only and right thing to end the pain and despair not only for the Self but also for those who are left.

Its hard to believe yourself but it is what it is and those teetering on the edge do so only once they have reached these thoughts otherwise the edge is further away and their thoughts torment them.  Its not unusual once this point has been reached alone the web of emotions the person appears well in themselves or appear to be more relaxed, you see them as getting better, then bang the explosion hits the next thing you know the unthinkable has happened.

This 'getting better' is perhaps because they have made a decision to end their life and the procrastination, the pressure, the cognitive dissonance has lifted and ended, the weight has been lifted off their shoulders and their confusion is no more.  They now know what to do .......

 

Replaced with a quiet serene type of peace, they have it all sorted out now in their mind and they 'know' both what to do and how to do it!  Even if you asked them if they are feeling suicidal or have plans made to end their life in these moments they will more than likely tell you an emphatic no, of course not, I'm OK. 

 

In those moments of asking they are OK because they have made their mind up.

 

So how could you have known?

 

This might let you understand how devastating this is to family members when they think they've covered all bases by asking the unaskable question only to be hit with the torpedo out of nowhere that your loved one in fact has taken their own life and by completing suicide.

 

We must remember  a person completing suicide is telling you something about them and not about you the loved ones left behind.

 

The act of suicide is an act driven from  inside the person, the way they feel, sense and think. 

 

 The act of suicide is  'one Point Of Perception'

 

Thinking from an emotionally overwhelmed, illogical troubled and disrupted mind.  We may begin to understand that completing suicide is more of a selfless act rather than selfish which may be bantered around in the months following such a death.  Or the family is somehow blamed for being disfunctional in someway and of course no one or no family are perfect, no one is to blame for someone completing suicide, not you, not your children, not the person completing, no one is to 'blame'.

 

The person contemplating death by suicide can't see past their perceived problems and their issues and perhaps feel this is it for the rest of their life but where there is a problem there is also a solution they go hand in hand, sometimes the solution just can't be felt, seen or believed to exist when you are stuck somewhere in no man's land.  For some suicide is the only option they can see,

 

I remember a time in my life when I thought my feelings would kill me, I literally thought they would, the intensity was overwhelming, I sat and waited for my spontaneous combustion terrified, I really felt and believed something horrendous was coming at any second.   For some I imagine instead of waiting for the horrendous to happen or  intensity to pass some take control and beat before being beaten and act upon the intense feelings in the immediacy of the moment.  It is a very fine line indeed between walking over the edge or walking away from the edge.  The decision to walk may take a split second and then the action is completed and lives are changed forever, for good or ill. 

Its hard to believe yourself but it is what it is and those teetering on the edge do so only once they have reached these thoughts otherwise the edge is further away and their thoughts torment them.  Its not unusual once this point has been reached alone the web of emotions the person appears well in themselves or appear to be more relaxed, you see them as getting better, then bang the explosion hits the next thing you know the unthinkable has happened.

 

This 'getting better' is perhaps because they have made a decision to end their life and the procrastination, the pressure, the cognitive dissonance has lifted and ended, the weight has been lifted off their shoulders and their confusion is no more.  They now know what to do .......

 

Replaced with a quiet serene type of peace, they have it all sorted out now in their mind and they 'know' both what to do and how to do it!  Even if you asked them if they are feeling suicidal or have plans made to end their life in these moments they will more than likely tell you an emphatic no, of course not, I'm OK. 

 

In those moments of asking they are OK because they have made their mind up.

 

So how could you have known?

 

This might let you understand how devastating this is to family members when they think they've covered all bases by asking the unaskable question only to be hit with the torpedo out of nowhere that your loved one in fact has taken their own life and by completing suicide.

 

We must remember  a person completing suicide is telling you something about them and not about you the loved ones left behind.

 

The act of suicide is an act driven from  inside the person, the way they feel, sense and think. 

 

 The act of suicide is  'one Point Of Perception'

 

Thinking from an emotionally overwhelmed, illogical troubled and disrupted mind.  We may begin to understand that completing suicide is more of a selfless act rather than selfish which may be bantered around in the months following such a death.  Or the family is somehow blamed for being dysfunctional in someway and of course no one or no family are perfect, no one is to blame for someone completing suicide, not you, not your children, not the person completing, no one is to 'blame'.

 

The person contemplating death by suicide can't see past their perceived problems and their issues and perhaps feel this is it for the rest of their life but where there is a problem there is also a solution they go hand in hand, sometimes the solution just can't be felt, seen or believed to exist when you are stuck somewhere in no man's land.  For some suicide is the only option they can see,

 

I remember a time in my life when I thought my feelings would kill me, I literally thought they would, the intensity was overwhelming, I sat and waited for my spontaneous combustion terrified, I really felt and believed something horrendous was coming at any second.   For some I imagine instead of waiting for the horrendous to happen or  intensity to pass some take control and beat before being beaten and act upon the intense feelings in the immediacy of the moment.  It is a very very fine line indeed between walking over the edge or walking away from the edge.  The decision to walk may take a split second and then the action is completed and lives are changed forever, for good or ill. 

What we may need to remember is feelings pass and suicide is a permeant solution to a temporary crisis.  Here sit everyone's dilemmas because the person on the edge can't see what they are experiencing in those moments are really temporary; those remaining perhaps can.

 

No one is to blame in the death of someone who died by suicide, not the person who completed the act nor anyone left behind.  Suicide ideation and thinking in this way is a disorientating, bewildering, devastating way of being and thinking and is very frightening to the person thinking this way.  The suicidal act is carried out by someone whose thought processes are not functioning in the normal expected way.  What it means in those moments the person is thinking on a different plane.  Their adrenaline will be pumped to the highest level and if they are also suffering with depression or another mental health issue then the combination can be overwhelming and a decision is made to complete.  Changing lives from that second on.

 

For the relatives who are left following the ending of life for them the person expressing this OK-ness couldn’t be more wrong.  Sadly, the loved one who goes on to complete suicide somehow can't see or hear this fact.  To us outside this person it is also difficult for us to see or hear inside the loved one's frame of reference and as such chaos and anxieties remain for all.  We are perceiving from a logical balanced mind perhaps and is difficult for us to get into the others mind set if we've never experienced anything like this our self.  We are not to be blamed or blame our self if we don't know something we simply can't act upon it, the act of suicide is a Point Of Perception for the actor and we all have our own Points Of Perception no two people will experience the same event in exactly the same way, this is what it is to be Human.

 

What we may need to think about whilst it wasn't the right decision for you who are left, for your loved one it may well have been for them in those final moments. This may be hard to read and even harder to believe, I understand, yet the one thing we all truly have full responsibility and full control over is our own self, the life we have been given to live.  As adults we are fully responsible for our self and the choices we make about our life. we have that right to do with our own life what we will.  For some relatives we may believe otherwise but a person, a Human Being is born free we are not a possession of anyone's and once we become an adult we are responsible for all which we do and all which we are.   If but for our upbringing and societal held beliefs do we feel and believe suicide is wrong and for the person completing,  it is their personal answer to their life at that time. 

 

Whether we believe it was or not they chose their own way, illogical as it is, wish them well and offer them love and respect for their choice without judgement as you learn to live without them in your life, as you find the path to your own personal peace! Offer yourself the same non-judgement and compassion.

 

Choose life  and act upon your choice for life, heal and live your life to the full .....

Counselling is a safe place for you to explore confusion, disorientation, fear and pain.  To move forward and build emotional resiliency for the future contact me today for experienced, compassionate caring support.

bottom of page