Adoption & Disenfranchised Grief

C-PTS comes in all shapes and sizes for example abuse, neglect, accidents, living in a war zone, being a soldier and adoption. 

Yes adoption.

Adoption is often a grief that is not validated or acknowledge in society and as such the Child suffers disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised Grief as postulated by Doka (1989),  is any grief that is not valued, seen, heard or acknowledge by society as a whole, in the case of adoption because it is pitted as a positive experience the Child’s Grief is not validated as real and the Child is left alone with big emotions to cope with.

Doka tells us that disenfranchised grief has three main components to it – Relationships which are not recognised, loss is not acknowledged or validated and the person grieving is prohibited rather than supported.  When support is minimized or removed this evokes additional issues for the griever and the mourner has less opportunities to understand or move through their grief in a timely manner. 

This also affects the mother of the Child given up for adoption, because she has relinquished her baby and is expected to just 'got on with it'. As if such a decision was clear cut and agreeable to the mother with is often not the case it is an agonizing decision to say the least.

However complex for the mother the Child is ripped away from all they have known and they will feel this in each and every cell of their being. As they grow and are told they are adopted their nervous system is affected by the news they actually don't belong to this family they were adopted into. They need to grief not only all they knew in the here and now but all those feelings that were on the edge of their knowing silently prodding from their cells. None of this is not recognised and they are expected to get on with life as if nothing has taken place.

Afterall they have a family so should be grateful for that shouldn't they be?

This means the Child suffers alone, their pain goes unacknowledged, not seen or heard and not accepted as valued or real, because they are meant to be happy and grateful because someone picked them in the end.

The adoptee is not 'allowed' to talk about their grief, this is often a subconscious sensing on behalf of the Child for fear of upsetting the adopting parents. 

Adoption is pitted as being something positive especially for the Baby who has been relinquished at birth or in Childhood. 

Its true adoption can offer the Child a stable home, love and security of sorts it is often not felt at the deeper levels of the personage of the one who was adopted.

Sadly there is often a stigma to being adopted and other Children can be cruel bullying and labelling the Child as not wanted, given away, unlovable and this can cut like a knife. The knowledge that they are adopted evokes long-term psychological and emotional disturbances that many don’t or can’t understand so is unique to fellow adoptees.

The adoptee is often told  “You were chosen”, “You are loved”, but for a Child who was adopted this can be a bitter pill to swallow and difficult to believe once they understand the full measure of being an adoptee.

Since they can often feel abandoned and rejected, because attachment begin in the womb babies who are relinquished at birth suffer significant trauma in the form of C-PTS, by being separated from their birth mother.  This is often overlooked for these Babies and Children who are expected to be somehow grateful for being adopted and this can be affected greatly by the people adopting and how the Child was treated.   

Adoption brings with it many many problems for the Child who may find it difficult to feel a sense of belonging, build a sense of identity because they don't have the attachments to their blood relatives to know who they are at an intrinsic level and this can leave the Child feeling alone and lonely.   

The Child is often told they are adopted in their teens or later, when the parents adopting 'feel' they are ready to hear this news. But and this is important no Child or Young person is every ready to hear they do not and have not every belonged to the people who they call family.

This offers them mistrust because up until then they didn't know and may have always had a felt sense that something wasn't quiet right. To be told almost out to the blue brings multifaced, intersectional crisis and many mixed feelings. 

This can bring unseen emotional issues shaped by this Adverse Childhood Experience (ACEs) adoption by its mere existence brings the Child adversity.

It is natural to feel loss and grief for the family they came from but didn't know, this loss and grief can be complicated and disenfranchised as the people who adopted may not understand what the grief is about. 

For both the Child and the mother in reality both are suffering multiply loses at the deepest level of their being, the grief is felt in each and every cell of their body and this leads to C-PTS and the wider affects of trauma.

This can become emotional dysregulation and be the start of many emotional and mental health difficulties and many may suffer with depression and anxiety for example.

Which is often the case because being adopted or given away from your original parentage creates lifelong susceptibilities and emotional and mental upset and difficulties.  

This can leave the Child with many unanswered and unanswerable questions. Emotions including shame which is a harsh emotions telling the sufferer there is something fundamentally wrong with them, which isn't true. Adoption is undertaken for many reasons and more than likely nothing to do with the baby or Child. But shame creates secrets and on top of the adoptee not been given much or any information about their adoption or their birth parents. 

Their losses may include biological, genetic and cultural history, they may need to grieve the Childhood they imagined they could have had after they found out they were adopted. 

We can see from programs on the TV e.g. "Long lost families" the adopted Child now an adult still wants to meet and get to know their family of origin.   This is about belonging needs, attachment needs and they often want to know they were loved by their original family especially their mothers. 

This is about closing the original abandonment wound - it is possible once the adoptee can see there is nothing wrong with them its what has happened to them that has created the difficulties they now experience.  

Sadly there is a lot to grapple with as an adoptee and it doesn't  stop there because the Children of an adoptee can suffer intergenerational trauma from the parent if they haven't resolved and healed their personal trauma's.

Intergenerational trauma will carry on to the next generation and the next until someone steps off the circle.

Seeking and acknowledging validation for all the losses incurred from being adopted can support you in healing some of the pain you may be feeling.

You don't need to suffer alone counselling can support you to sift through the confusion, disorientation, abandonment and attachment wounds. 

Counselling can support your healing.

You Matter - Together WE CAN.

If you're struggling in your here and now living  it really is good to talk, you don't need

to go through this journey alone. 

I offer a free 30 mins video call so we can meet before our first session. Contact me at email: pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com text or WhatsApp message to 07867938630 and lets connect and realise your fullest potentials.