Are you being manipulated?

ARE YOU BEING MANIUPULATED?

I often talk about trauma, abuse and grief and healing strategies.

But what causes trauma and abuse in interpersonal relationships? 

This blog will shed some light on tactics used by abusers on their victims and often, well more than often they will say they are the victim and they are the one being manipulated. Its a good ideas to ask ourself this question once in a while and to gain understanding about what manipulation is and how to deal with it for your own protection and mental health and well-being. Because manipulation is insidious.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is behaviour  which is used to exploit, take advantage of, control and overpower others.

Manipulation techniques are very powerful tools that abusers have tried and tested out many, many times, they know they work and they know what works with whom and when, manipulators are clever, covert and dangerous to others psychological, emotional and physical well-being

Manipulation is an insidious way to interact with others.

All manipulation is detrimental to a person’s mental and emotion health and well-being including the manipulator.

Manipulative behaviours involves many different tactics.

The following descriptions are just a very few behaviours considered manipulative:

Smiling Assassin

Outward friendliness is their presentation, they appear pleasant, always smiling, the nice guy/gal everyone wants to befriend, often used in the work environment, this might be a new employee, the person floats around all colleagues often seeming like a breath of fresh air. Full of charm and charisma, helping out here, supporting there, they may seem too good to be true type of person.  Gaining trust through their covert performance, beware the fixed smile because they befriend to find out a person’s weak spots and uses them all the while with a smile on their face. 

If they appear to good to be true they usually are.

They have a duality of personality and whilst friendly on the outside they are capable of hurtful deception, for example when the time is right for them, they will use your own words against you by weaponizing them and twisting your meaning into theirs.  This makes you look bad to your colleagues and the manipulator appears as the victim, maybe crying as they tell their story and the person, they are telling the story to is usually a manager feels sorry for the crying person ‘who has got in first’, with their tale of woe.  This is a deliberate act to discredit the victim and it usually works.

There will be an end goal to this manipulation tactics maybe they want your role, maybe they want promotion without all the hard effort to gain it.  But whatever their goal is its not being a victim, its getting what they want at all costs to others.

Gaslighting

A firm favourite of manipulators, gaslighting delivers confusion, disorientation and uncertainty, this plays out in the victim as questioning their own lived experiences, memory, perceptions of reality, feelings and eventually questioning their sanity.

Gaslighting causes lots of self-doubt and confuses by shifting blame, rewriting history, minimising, withholding, uses loving words as weapons and deflects away from their behaviours and more. Leaving others questioning their own thoughts, feelings, sensations and questioning ‘did that really happen’?

The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie with the same title whereby a husband tries to convince his wife she cannot trust her own self or her mind.

This was thought to be used mainly in romantic relationships but in my experience, gaslighting can be used by anybody, such as colleagues, friends or relatives.

It is a manipulative technique to take power, control and to dominate through coercion to wear the other person down.  Over time this technique causes victims to loss their sense of identity, self-worth, self-concept, eroded self-esteem, confidence and perceptions whereby the victim may become dependant on the manipulative abuser.

Passive aggression

Is when someone indirectly expresses their negative feelings such as anger, frustration and disappointment, this plays out in sarcasm, the silent treatment, procrastination and intentional inefficiency.  For example, their words don’t match their action, they  can’t or won’t make a firm decision, display moody behaviours, patronising and condescending language, sullen but say nothing’s wrong, or undertake tasks badly so they won’t be asked to do it again.

Passive aggression is an immature defence mechanism and you may hear yourself saying ‘how childish’ when someone behaves in a passive aggressive manner as they storm off muttering to themselves. 

Blaming

Manipulators blame others for their own action and don’t take responsibility for their own behaviours, they may take an action then say “you made me do it”  for example hit you in an argument and blame you for the words you said i.e. weaponize your words against you, becoming a smiling assassin.  This give them the excuse they need to deflect responsibility onto you and the focus off themselves.

This leads to feelings of guilt and shame for the victim along with misplace responsibility as the victim starts to self-blame for seemingly provoking the abusers words and actions. ‘If only I’d not said that or said this then she/he wouldn’t behave like this its my fault". 

Of course no one is responsible for another’s behaviours, blame shifting is a common emotional manipulation in abusive relationships. It plays into self-doubt, self-esteem and self-worth, that is to lower and erode them evoking vulnerability in their victims.

Emotional Blackmail

This type of manipulation is usually subtle a term made popular through the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. This manipulation is displayed by emotional threats, guilt inducing and pointing out obligations, known as:

FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.   

Using these emotions to put pressure on the victim to comply lots of ‘if’s’ “if you really loved me, you’d”, "if you weren't like this", "if you hadn't; done", or “why don’t you want to help me”? “it’s a wife’s duty to”, “Dave’s wife does” ………

The manipulator uses your feelings to abuse you, they might withhold affection, show you how disappointment in you they are,  demand you do something for them or don’t do something like visit your friends or family because they’ve decided they don’t want you to. Say things like “who would want you if I don’t”, “nobody will want you with the way you are”.  Or “after all I’ve done for you”, to evoke guilt.

If you don’t do what they say when they say they may sulk, get angry, throw threats about, their moods change in the blink of an eye and you end up having an argument so the abuser can then either go out with their mates or give you the silent treatment. 

Coercive control

Another firm favourite of the manipulator is coercive control, (now a criminal offence) which is an on-going form of oppression used to instil fear, the abuser will control money, monitor who you can and can’t speak to and what you can talk about, used to take power and control over another person usually those involved in a romantic relationship.

This kind of control can be dangerous as the victim can become totally dependant on the manipulator, isolated from friends and family. If violence is part of the abuse the victim can be is in serious danger and the most dangerous time is when the victim tries to leave the abuser. So its a good idea not to do this alone and to get support and help to leave as safely as possible.

Speak out, talk to someone you trust to enlist help and support.

If you are in immediate danger call 999 or contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 for none emergencies the website address is www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

But like all manipulation it can be seen in other relationships, its used to isolate you from your support network this may be in a work environment in a divide and conquer manipulation. The manipulator may tell you things your colleagues said about you that aren’t true.  But because they sound so caring and convincing, we take it as true and don’t ask the colleague, for fear it is true. They may convince you that your colleagues have voiced they don’t want to talk to you, work with you or or or, its probably not true but your not going to ask your colleague if they've been talking about you really are you.

Work manipulators may micromanage your work unnecessarily, find minute fault with your work and exaggerate it to others higher up to discredit you. Tell you how to do a project but it will be in their way not yours, and later say "I didn't tell you to do it that way". Switching to a smiling assassin and gaslighting you as they go, denying, eroding your autonomy and evoking self-doubt. They may make accusations behind your back or tell colleagues you’ve been talking about them when you haven’t.

Controlling or coercive behaviour (CCB) is now against the law in the UK through Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015.

Talk to someone and get help and support from someone you trust.

The above are just a few of the many manipulation techniques someone who wants to manipulate will use to get their own way, leaving victims feeling confused, powerless and helpless.

Manipulation can happen wherever people interact, neighbours, colleagues, peers, friend or relatives, its not confined to romantic or marital relationships. The more we are manipulated the more our self-esteem, self-worth and self-efficacy is eroded and we become more and more vulnerable and in some case in danger.

The more we learn about what manipulation is and how it plays out them more we can protect ourselves.

HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULITIVE PEOPLE

Safety is the first step - if you are not safe then please connect with others despite the manipulators efforts to isolate you, safety is a must.  Develop a plan for yourself to start taking care of yourself first and foremost, make a promise to yourself that you will get help and support for yourself and especially if you have children. Their and your safety is the most important, if necessary, remove yourself from the situation, the home either temporary or permanently. If there is violence happening go to someone who you trust and who you feel safe with to support you to gain safety don't be alone, don't try to leave by yourself this may evoke the abuser to go off the rails. Seek support from someone you trust to be with your as you leave.

Boundaries - Once safety has been established, it’s time to set boundaries with the manipulator  for example, “I want you to know I will not talk to you when you are talking down to me”, “If you don’t calm down, I will leave (the room, the house)” and make sure you do what you say otherwise the manipulator will not believe your words.

Ground yourself in the present moment, use breathing techniques, plant your feel evenly on the floor, recite affirmations in your mind to aid your confidence.  Then clearly state what you will and won’t be treated like from this day forward, stay calm and in control of what you are saying, deep breath, pause before you speak, be firm and assertive in both your speech and behaviours.  Don’t let them rush you into saying something you don’t want or need and don’t feel you have to answer then straight away, take your time, pause, breath, think before you answer.

Say NO firmly – We all have a right to put ourself and our priorities first and foremost, practice saying no and meaning it, don’t waver, or say it quietly say NO loud enough so the other has no doubt what you are saying.  Ensuring the person you are saying no to knows you mean it.  If they push you then stand your ground and repeat “I won’t talk to you when……”.

Try the broken record technique which is to repeat the sentence you have already said, this promotes your assertiveness, re-enforces your message, avoids you going off topic and listening to the manipulator.  Staying calm helps the other to begin to hear what you are saying and to begin to understand you are not going to stand for their manipulations anymore, this increases you achieving what you want. 

The broken record method works well in romantic or work relationships and with children, done with respect, assertiveness and confidence the other will get the message.

Learn all you can - about what manipulation is how it is displayed and how you can protect yourself from this form of behaviour in the future, 

Learn interpersonal skills and practice behaviours that champion yourself and question the other intentions, ask them what they mean by what they just said rather than just accepting or assuming you know their meaning.  It may be their truth because it gets them what they want, but ask yourself do I want this?

Learn and practice the above ways to defuse the manipulator and protect yourself.

Learn your rights, what equality is and what your beliefs are and expectations in relationships are and change them, you deserve to be treated well from everyone you meet.

Learn to stop - showing them all your interest and focus on them, start putting the focus on you because once a manipulator sees they can’t control you they loose interest and move on.  Be confident in your behaviours.

Learn and accept if you feel disempowered, guilty for no reason, scared of the other person, you are accused of being a bad person or they don’t take no for an answer.  If you feel dependant on the other person in the relationship because they try to keep you one down or overwhelmed, because they are always pointing out and exposing your mistakes or weaknesses. 

Accept we all make mistakes, we all have weakness we are looking to strengthen.

If you feel you have to watch what you are saying to the other a lot or feel you are having to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting them, chances are you are being manipulated. If so is it time to get help and support for yourself?

Accept they are manipulating you, make a choice to ask for help and support because you deserve it not because you don’t.

You can still be a good, kind and compassionate person whilst making mistakes, being assertive, confident, having strong self-esteem, self-worth and self-efficacy.

If you're struggling in your here and now living  it really is good to talk, you don't need

to go through this journey alone. 

I offer a free 30 mins video call so we can meet before our first session. Contact me at email: pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com text or WhatsApp message to 07867938630 and lets connect and realise your fullest potentials.