Self-compassion

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings … With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.  (Neff, 2019)

What do you think of the above quote? Does it feel like self-compassion is something you already embrace, or is it a new concept? We are often supportive, welcoming and embracing of our friends and relatives. As counsellors we have unconditional postive regards for our clients; but what about when it come to you? When you make a mistake do you have a harsh critic waiting on the side lines jumping in at pace and berating you? Throwing you a barrage of negative words that you wouldn't say to your best friends or relatives. Leaving you feeling down, full of anxiety feeling not good enough?

We all have an inner chatterbox (Jeffers) and it's a good idea to get to know what our inner dialogue is telling us often subconsciously and out of our awareness. This is where being more mindful and aware of what your minds chatter is saying, the effects upon you. The way we talk to ourself is very important, what would it be like to have a kind and compassionate mind where your inner chatter is supportive and kind?

Self-compassion is about talking to yourself as you would talk to your best friend, treating yourself with gentleness and kindness, it involves self-acceptance and understanding. Changing the inner dialogue to gentleness, kindness and supportive words rather than harsh often cruel unjust words.

Being self-compassionate can reduce anxiety and grief responses and negative self-talk.  However we can’t just take something away from our psyche for example our negative inner chatter we need to replace it with something else like self-compassion.

Here are some ways to be more self-compassionate

Develop a kind and compassionate mind

Kind mind means listening to your thoughts and counteracting them with more positive words, affirmations and positive self-instructions. I say counterbalance because we can’t just take away the negative dialogue, we need to replace it with the positive.  Our negative dialogue got there by repetition and it is the same repetition of the positive that will eventually change it.  So practice, practice, practice!

Self-kindness

This means stop being self-judging and replace with warmth, patience and unconditional worth even when we make a mistake after all to "err is human". Give yourself tenderness, care and common humanity such as changing your perception about any mistake seeing them as growing edges.

Develop a soft inner voice

How do you treat others? That's how you need to treat yourself with a soft voice, with empathy, understanding, with kind words and smiling eyes - try it now smile to yourself and feel how that feels, be mindful how does your face feel in a smile? How does your lips feel? How does the rest of your body feel as you smile? Get to know yourself and how you feel so you can identify and understand them and become their master rather than your feelings mastering you.

Become more self-aware

Start to notice when you are being unkind to yourself. Question yourself, what does self-compassion mean to me? Does it sound weak? Does it feel selfish? Does it feel like self-pity? Get to know your beliefs about being self-compassionate and assess if barriers are in place stopping you treating yourself as a best friend. Explore, identify barriers to your self-kindness and question where this is coming from?

Respond to life challenges with compassion

Become mindful to how you see life's challenges - do you react or respond to mistakes, setbacks and/or misunderstandings with harshness? Do you berate yourself? Do you call yourself names? Do you hear a barrage of self-depreciating words in your mind like stupid, idiot or useless? Would you talk to your best friend like that when they make a mistake? I'm guessing not otherwise we probably wouldn’t have friends for long, so what make you speak to yourself like that?

Practice self-soothing techniques

Learn how to self-soothe and comfort yourself both physically and emotionally, showing self-respect, kindness and care.

Try these to help soothe and relax yourself

• Take a warm bath

• Listen to relaxing music

• Undertake a guided imagery

• Try yoga it is relaxing to both mind and body

• Getting enough sleep or rest if sleep is difficult, it will come

• Undertake a breathing technique to slow down and focus or refocus

Develop a compassioante image

Use your imagination and create an image of what compassion is to you, for example my image above of a moving circle of compassion giving to others whilst holding it for myself equally.

The idea is that you have an image within your mind to pull up when you need it. So for example, it could be the best version of you, an object, an animal, a team of likeminded folk, an image you find on the internet like the one I have above.  What you are looking to do is have a wise, accepting, understanding image that you can relate to which holds the message of being compassionate to self.

Bring kindness into your suffering

Affirm to self

• I am doing the best I can, this is enough - practice writing your emotions

  down in a journal - give yourself a butterfly hug - breathing pauses -

  mindfulness - spend

  time with pets.

• Affirm: I am good enough - I can do this - I will get through this - I am doing well - This will pass -

• Remind self I am not a lone suffering is part of the human experience - everyone suffers we can get through this

• This will not last and will change - I am working through this with kindness and patience

• Ask yourself what do I need here and now and how can I fulfil these needs

Use the R.A.I.N technique 

Recognize - Start by noticing your feelings and thoughts in the here and now. acknowledging their presence without trying to change them. Once you get a sense of them, name and claim them trying to understand your experience, softening negative thoughts and reframing them.

Allow - Without trying to change, push them down or away, allow yourself to sit, accept and feel what is present without judging or berating them. Allow feelings and thoughts to be and exist, increasing self-awareness. focus your breathing and breathe into the feeling if you can allow whatever comes up to come and let it float away again.  Focus on your breathing, creating a sense of calm and being in control, this starts to regulate your nervous systems.  

Investigate - Gently explore the feelings and thoughts a little closer. Be curious ask questions: Where do I feel this in my body? What are my thoughts trying to tell me? This step helps you understand the nature of the emotion and any underlying patterns.

Nurture - Finally, offer yourself compassion and kindness. You might say soothing words to yourself. You might visualize a caring presence. Or think of what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Learn the steps above - This step is about fostering self-acceptance and giving yourself the support you need.

TAKE AWAY - Fostering self-compassion can lead to more balance. regulate your nervous systems, increased mental health and well-being along with physical health and leads to greater resilience when faced with adversity. Taking some time to learn how to be self-compassionate will support you in the here and now. Whilst starting to regulate your nervous systems, calm any anxieties and support your overall well-being.

If you are struggling with yourself image, self-esteem or confidence and finding it dififcult to embrace self-compassion, self-soothing or managing feeling.

I offer a free half hour video call so we can chat about your needs before s. 

Contact me at pendulumofpeace8@gmail.com or telephone, text, WhatsApp message on 07867938630 and lets connect and realise the possibilities and your potential.